I am so very tired, so mentally drained and exhausted and yet incredibly restless that it is hard to from a coherent thought so I apologize if my writing is kind of bad or stops making sense.
The weekend started out good with meeting up with J on Saturday morning to train, I definitely was in better shape than the last time which made me feel quite good. After I had showered I woke up Blossom and the fairy-princess and we started making plans when, to my complete surprise, my friend M called to invite us out to his lake cabin in Pennsylvania for the day or the whole weekend, whatever we would want to do. M is my oldest friend, we met after we moved here, went to school and college together, travelled all over the country together after my accident and we used to just generally spend a lot of time together. Now he has a job that makes him travel a lot, the last time I saw him was a few months ago but he will always call when he is in the area and try to hang out.
Anyway, we packed up some some necessities and made the two hour drive to his cabin, which really is more of a house than anything else, and spent the remainder of Saturday and stayed until Sunday early afternoon.
On the drive home I could feel myself starting to crash, a feeling of restlessness and wanting to get out of the confined space of the car. I had a panic attack shortly after we got home which didn't really end until the early morning when I finally fell asleep for 45 nightmare filled minutes. Making myself function at work was a challenge with my anxiety level still really high and the OCD behavior almost impossible to control. I pretty much just taught my classes and hid in between and on breaks so I didn't have to interact with people more than necessary.
Now that I am home I have had another panic attack and if I am not showering I am working out in the vain attempt to decrease my anxiety. To sit still long enough to type this was a struggle and increased the
desire to hurt myself in someway exponentially.
I need another shower.