Work was good for me today, while most complained about being back in school I was very glad I got to distract my mind with teaching again. My students where happy to see me again despite mourning the end of the long weekend and despite being overdue for the end of this school year. Less than a month left, all we will be doing till then really is prepping for final exams. I will honestly miss the ones that are graduating this year, they were a good class, I enjoyed teaching them.
Now I have my own plans to keep me as busy as I can over the summer, sitting still is not an option, my mind needs something to puzzle and challenge it. In years past I didn't have plans as detailed as I do this time around and usually my summers without work were more or less a disaster. Now everything just needs to work out as planned and I should be ok, for the most part.
I saw my therapist again after work and the session today went a lot better than last time I saw her. No major breakdowns, no breakthroughs either, just talking, mainly about the weekend and the last session we had.
As much as I am openly writing about my feelings, my struggles, my scars, I don't talk about everything in here. There a places to dark to visit, silent screams to loud to unleash, thoughts to twisted to make sense. I hint at it occasionally I think, when I say there was mental abuse, when I say I can't hate HIM
- I should hate him for what he did.
I should despise him . But I don’t, I still fear him and I feel disgusted by him and I feel shame and I still feel dirty.
And as much as I hate admitting it I feel a sick kind of affection for him,
like a beaten dog that keeps coming back to his master -
This is the closest I ever got to explaining what I still feel for HIM and it isn't at all accurate, doesn't at all encompass all of my emotions. And it is so hard to admit this because it seems so wrong to feel like this, so very, very wrong and yet, in all it's twisted and corrupted ways, so right.
- How do you forgive yourself?
How do you forgive yourself for never screaming, never fighting back, never saying no?
How do you forgive yourself? -
This is pure guilt speaking, something I haven't forgiven myself for, something I beat myself up with daily. The thought that if I had fought back, if I had said no, if I had screamed I could have stopped it from continuing.
I am quite sure I wasn't the first one, I am quite sure I wasn't the last one either. I could have stopped it from happening again if I had spoken to someone about it. That's the other part of my guilt, the other part of what I can't forgive myself for, the other thing I beat myself up with daily.
I had a long conversation with my sister today, just talking about everything and nothing. I miss those, we had endless talks like this growing up, she was always my best friend, the one person who knows absolutely everything about me, the one person I could share all my secrets with, and that was a lie, there was one secret I didn't share with her for the longest time, she was however the first person I ever told.
I will have another shower, not that I should but I feel the need to. If I don't shower again there is no way I can convince myself that it is going to be ok to lie down in bed next to Blossom and - maybe - go to sleep feeling her.