today i turned nineteen, i dont feel any different but i guess thats normal, tghe growing up isnt what happens with age but with living, i'd say compared to last year im good three years ahead of myself pretty off balance still but a lot more aware. not so hard to be more aware but the growing up bit wasnt easy it took a lot of.... growing up. i've had an amazing last couple of days havent done anything special but i've spent some time with my friends, i thought i'd lost the ability to enjoy my friends company the way i had when i was younger as it turns out i had just forgotten, its not much more fun but the feeling is different, i guess its because these are the guys i grew up with and when your not trying to spend your time trying to figure out everything they do you can seee more into who they are to you which in the end is what counts. lets move on. my birthday was pretty cool my sisters got me a tent and accoutriments to go with for my trip to europe, got some money here and there, my mums paying for half my ticket and im hoping to get my dad to pay the other half, this is the third birthday that he hasnt been around for not that i mind so much the first one was what did the damage, now i'll be happy to see him soon. he called me, hiis battery was running out so he said he'd call me again tomorrow and we could talk longer, maybe he has an answer for me,  and i can move on and buy my ticket. i had a job interview the other day, i got the job but i couldnt make training straight away i'm not sure if i still have it i called earlier today and it didnt sound like i'd get my training done this week. my friend blox called me today he is also calling me tomorrow to give me his new number he always has a new number i've made plans to go see him later on this month i'll be really happy if i can afford going to his before i go to europe if not i'll probably spend some f my uni term at his house living life the way i dreamed i would when i was a boy. doing stupid stuff next to my friend with no-one there to stop either of us. i know not a lot has changed but its important to perception that we change what was cool to stupid and what was stupid to cool to give the impression of change. dont ask me how it works im talking bollocks.

this entry is going pretty well, i havent really stopped to look at what i've written unless i make mistakes im usure of but i think i've written quite a lot, just goes to show that you cant stop a drunk man from talking even if hes got no one to talk to.

heres one, dont you ever get the feeling sometimes when your in the middle of something and you hve to stop just to see what the feeling is and its a sense of longing, a need to have a definate direction, maybe its the age im at and a few minor decisions will make huge differences. but it seems like theres nowhere to go, you cant make any decisions without closing a few doors. now generally this doesnt bother me but now that i've touched on the edges of despair i dont want to regret anything i do and just knowing that i'll miss out on something whether its what i want or not is more than a little cause for regret, its not that i want to live forever so that i can enjoy everything i want to be young forever so that i can experience what i want and be healthy young and good looking enough to appreciate it. what good is being rich and old if you cant get with some super hot chick that wants it because you've lost your hair pruning up a bit. its a steal. i believe that maybe i'll get anything i aim for in life but i dont think i can do it all while im still young enough to enjoy it. old people seem to look at there youth with a kind of longing regret, i already do but its not in the way they do looking at something long dead a few treasured memories, mines looking at something dying not knowing what memories i could create because i didnt have the finances at the time. ii dont think i'm saying this all too clearly and i'm going around in circles so i'll just leave trust that your not an idiot and i wont expaliain myself a third time. i know its silly i cant do anyhting about it but you got to admit regrets suck. mayube someone will prove me wrong soon and i'll not care about anything again. tell me if you found a way to experience everything.

love out

Tex