yeah..i think it'd be good to perhaps write in here now that i remember that i have one of these dealies...i need a special someone just like everyone else! oh why oh why can i not have one?! WHYYYYYYYYYYYY

i saw amanda and katlin kiss today by my locker...i didnt know they were dating, amanda doesnt like relationships...i think i still like amanda, like,alot, and what am i to do? because she likes...well...kaytlin...why cant she like me i dont see why? even though she said she did but she didnt wanna do anything b/c it would get in the way of our friendship...but shes friends with kaytlin..and they're trying to start something, and have been for awhile now...a few weeks or so...and theres really no guys to like...matt's gone so now who do i have? honestly.... i just dont know what the fuck to do anymore...and i need a ciggerette, i have some in my purse, but, my dad's around so i cant even smoke one...and the cat just took a shit! fucking GREAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT

grandpa's surgery is on the 25th...so soon, yet so far away from today, im scared...that hes not gonna make it...i love him too much, thats the one man (other than my father) who i'll actually...honestly...really fucking care about...and i know hes gonna die within the next five years, i know it, and i dont want him to, i want him to live forever, or at least until i die....but that's me being selfish of him again....but i just..i love my grandpa im the one he spoils hes the one i always never cried with when i was a baby hes the one who i always went to with my problems...