Ignorance is bliss
this was I first saying I took strongly to heart. I not just love it but believe in it whole-heartedly. Its quite understandable once why...ignorance is bliss, when ur ignorance, u have no worry hence can be totally happy. In layman terms, the more stupid u are, the happier u get. It doesn't matter that u just being set up for a huge heart break...u will be happy till it comes. Another way of looking at it is that when you were younger, u were happier cos of your ignorance to the realities of the world. I for one would rather be happy than right any day...but I am cursed with an inquisitive, practical and fairly knowledgeable mind. Hence I can only dream and say ignorance truly is bliss. For I know with out a doubt I would be a happier person with out this stupid brain of mind.

Speaking of brain, I find is weird that I seem to be the only sane person with 4 voices talking to me at all times. And I know I am sane because...well...I recognize the craziness it all this. Any way I don't want to go in answering the question of whether I am crazy or not cos its too depressing, I would rather talk about the voices. Oh yes...the voices that control my actions, thoughts and emotions. Well first the is the basic first voice, the voice of logic, I think its my brain. Its totally unemotional, and serves only one purpose...protecting itself and studying the world. Its the voice I fear most cos its says things I would never say like questioning the existence and fairness of God. Due to this voice I fear repercussions from God but I just can't control its train of thoughts. Next comes the voice of what I truly want, I figure this is my heart and soul, the little boy inside me. This I listen to most so it seems to understand emotions better and is truly what I want to be. Then comes the evil voice in my head, taunting me, cursing my every failure, encouraging me to things...evil things, seducing me to the darkness of like. It haunts me as I type this...or is it boasting at my final public acknowledgement of its existence? Either ways, I try to ignore it most of the time. And lastly is a voice I truly believe to be the voice of God, call me crazy but I have prove but I will come to that in a moment. Its the voice that controls my conscience, its helps me determine what is good or bad, right or wrong, but it does tell me what to do, it just sits back, seemly with a smile on its face, sure I will do the right thing. It is prove that I am not forgotten, may be not loved, but not forgotten. Prove...there are a lot but here is one, I was in a plane and we hit turbulence, I was so scared and felt like I was about to pass out, and I swear as clearly as I am hearing this music playing, I hear a voice say "breath, just breath". And I did as it said and I was able to deal. Now I did not come up with that idea cos that was the first time I heard that voice in my head and it has been with me since. I later checked about things to do in that situation and fought that taking deep breaths was paramount. For me that is my proof there is a God. It mind not seem big to most but that is not only my little miracle but also God telling me I am not forgotten. Hence I tried not to forget him either. Anyway, different voices control my actions at different times. Like now, it's a collaboration of the first two...but its not always so co-operative. Some times all 4 argue against themselves with the goal of controlling my choice of action. The sad thing is afterwards, the losing voices torment me and remind me of what could have been in the instance the I made the wrong choice.

Another thing lingering around my head is the idea of independence. Everyone seems to crave it. But I say its over rated. Thinking about it, what’s so great about doing what u want to do? Most will say just that, and if that turns out great then great. But what no one tells u is the stress involved in making ones decisions. I am not saying its better to be a slave, but think about it, no stress from making choices and living with the failures.  It might not seem like much but all that can compound to a large sum of peaceful times. I know I will never find anyone that agrees with me...everyone wants to be the God of there lives, win or lose, they want to know that they did it. I say fuck that, life is too short to spending trying to be right, I say try to be happy cos it could be over day. I guess what I am trying to say is, being in a box isn't always all that bad, especially when ur protected in that box.  Better the demon that u know than that which u don't know. 

One last thing, why am I so attracted to innocence? Is it because I lack it? Or because my soul is innocent and wants to be around its own kind? Or is it because I never truly was innocent? I think its the latter, cos I can't and never could see what I see in the innocent around me, in me. I have written too much as it is, would rather go fantasize of a world where I wasn't so much like what I hate.