is it wrong to say that this may have been one of the best days of my life? i feel so happy, i am just realizing how good things really are, if you just realize that they are good. i slept so amazing last night. i woke up with a wonderful since of relief. i went to school and wasn't sad about it. i sat with Skye at her lunch table and i smiled. all day long, i smiled. i couldn't help myself. i just feel so much to smile about. i went and tried out for the new play today. i was happy to do it. everyone told me i did terrific. they told me i was going to be hard to beat. and i just was happy to hear that. they wern't saying it to make me feel better. they meant it. i was happy for that. i have no homework tonight. i can do whatever all night long. for the first time in a long time, i think i am finally happy to be me in everyway.
And i miss Skye. i miss her alot. but this time, i am not going to miss her until i think yhat she is angry at me or until it worries me to death. i am just going to miss her, i am not going to make up stupid stories in my head to keep myself occupied while she is not around. i am going to be sad that she is not here, and i will have to wait. i can finally trust that she isn't holding anything back from me. i realize that she already is changing for me. that means it was my turn. i hated how i dealed with my problems so much, and so did she. so i did this for not just me, not just to give me peace of mind, but to show her, i am a strong human being, probably more. i have let myself lose so much from this, but not this time. this is not coming between me and her, not without a fight. it is amazing to realize that the only thing that was holding her from me, was me. i can do this. i can beat this. i think i already have. now i just hope that she can forgive me for what i have been doing. for what i have done to her. for all the anguish i put her through. and that dosen't mean her coming running back to me. it means her being happy for me, and knowing that now i am ready to finally live again, and not let stupid fears hold me back. i love her, and if that means total heartbreak, so be it. at least i am a better person now because of her. because she didn't put up with my shit, she wouldn't just humor me. she told me how it had to be, and that it had to be that way for a reason. and i am glad that i finally just did something about it. and i think that deep down, she wanted it much more for me, cuz she saw me suffering.
it is true, who knows how this will end. day by day. just let it go and enjoy the ride. i hope she still misses me too.