I am not thrilled just now. Everything is great all the time. I had a bomb weekend, I baked with my friend Nati, my friend Emily was in town for a night and we had a blast, I got coffee with Simon, and I went to a barbecue last night. Like, I know recounting how many friends I have is a little pathetic, but this is a new thing. I wasn't able to hang out with different people like this before. I hung out with the same people or no one or made friends through my roommate. I don't really know how it changed, but I really like this. I feel independent and extraordinary.

I think about Zach pretty frequently. I met a cute boy last night, but still have this fucked up hope that something will happen with Zach. I don't know how I can possibly think that, right? Like. That's crazy.

Anyway, when I was leaving my apartment last night, I ran into him, which has been my biggest fear  since he left the party and we never spoke again. I saw him first. I said, "Hey, Zach." He said hey, but we both kept walking, and I felt relief, that that was it But then he said, "Wait." I turned around. "I have things for you," he said. What things? I asked, trying to imagine what I had left at his place. "Comic books," he said. 

My face, I'm sure, expressed a bewilderment that I cannot possibly capture here. I was speechless. "Yeah, remind me to give them to you sometime." I should have said so many things. You avoid me for over a month and then ask me to contact you for COMIC BOOKS. Seriously? Excuse me? Sorry? What just happened? Instead. My shock-malfunctioning brain simply asked ... When would I remind you that?

He said nothing. I turned around. Walked to my car. And threw up. 

I can't tell my friends, I just needed to get it out. I want to talk to him so badly. I still have some of his comic books. I think I'll write him a letter and leave them at his door. Unless you think that's a terrible idea, diary? Tell me what to do. That's all I ever want sometimes. Someone to tell me what's okay and what's not.