Endless Night

Dear Diary,

And everyone that will undoubtedly click this entry because of it's name....

I want you all to know that I don't know what the fascination is with this terribley unnecessary traumatic event. I'm not suicidal, I'm most definitely not homicidal. What I am, is unable to stop learning about something when I start. Even a topic this moroese.

What I can tell you, is that for approximately the last three months, the events, people, victims and perpetrators, family, school, county and city have captured my desire to know. To know what could possibly have fueled this travesty. Brooks Brown(a friend of both Dylan and Eric(the shooters) sums it up best(I think) in his title of the book he wrote outlining the experience he and his family went through before and after April 20th 1999. The book is appropriately titled "No Easy Answers".

And the more I learn, the more facts I gain, the less easy the answers really are. People blamed the media, and violent movies, and gun laws and music and video games. Even their parents.

What has occured to me is that it is a hodge podge, a veritable swamp cauldron of happenstances that led to a gruesome crime that although a murder-suicide, can also be reffered to as home grown terrorism. It's all in how you look at it.

There's a convincing paper by a well known, and respected psychologist entitled "The Depressive and the Psycopath". The pscyhologist in question, rightfully came under fire as he seemed to diagnose both boys, post mortem. Was there a foundation to so so? Logically, yes, they left behind tens of thousands of pieces of evidence, including their diaries, and Video Blogs(before they had a name for such things). But, skeptics claim that part of being in the doctors(psychologist) line of work, entails a certain degree of responsibility and somehow the line is drawn as you cannot technically diagnose a disorder post-humously.Regardless, after discovering and watching as much as has been realeased by any reputable source, logic dictates that he was probably right.

Theres a thing people close to events like this say, that the perpetrators won, in a sense, because everyone knows their name. And rarely can people name just 5 of the dead or injured. The people who have had their lives forever changed.

I can name them all.

Rachel Scott
Kyle Velasquez
Daniel Rohrbough
Cassie Bernall
Corey DePooter
Matt Kechter
Dave Sanders
Isiah Shoels
Kelly Fleming
Lauren Townsend
John Tomlin
Daniel Mauser
Steve Curnow

I know it's a very simplistic and fictional thought to reach, In some ways, it reminds me of the musical Wicked. Are people born this way, or do they somehow become this. Is it preventable? Or a totally unavoidable reality.

My theory is no simpler than the question. Take Eric for example, he took a drug called for depression, yet if he were bi polar, which some have attestes to, would only increase the chances of developing his manic episodes, creating himself a god complex, of which he was clearly under the influence of. He was also picked on, mercilessly, for what he wore, how he looked. He was beaten, in a locker room so badly he bled from his nose and lip(only accounts are from friends, and not medical records). Bullying, also played a factor. But regardless of how much one is bullied, does it excuse a violent mass murder spree? Of course not, particularly when you take into consideration none of the victims were actually the people that bullied either boy. A thorough read of his journal and online excerpts reveals a boy ladden with hate, anger, violent and homicidal thoughts, and the ability to manipulate those around him. You may also find that he was obsessively protective of animals, had a deep care and connection with his family, moved to a new school 7 times in 10 years, and had a hard time making real friends because of it. So, he learned to be what everyone around him wanted. He adapted to fit any situation. He was calculating, and his angry rants, and his final choices in life that day were cold. But he was once a boy who loved soccer, animals, and cherished his closest friends. But maybe his knack for manipulation doomed one of them as well....

Then take a look at Dyaln. A shy, quiet, and by friends and families standards, a gentle young man. He seemed to bottle things up but when they erupted, watch out. He was said that when he DID get angry, he had a huge temper. But was never physically abusive. Often looked to as the follower, it may very well have been the case, but it's clear Dylan could think for himself. Both boys were very intelligent young men.

Sorry, I'm going to finish this later. It's becoming hard for me to write.

Meghan