I know it's my fault. I held on to the problems so long that they became a part of me when he was around and I was just so angry. I stopped letting myself enjoy our time together because I couldn't get past the problems. Why couldn't I just let go? It's not like we had major problems, they just built up over time and became this massive thing that was slowly tearing us apart and I realised it too late.
He barely even speaks to me now. Every time I call I get the brush off . We haven't had a conversation that's lasted for more than 20mins. in a long time, unless of course we were arguing. It's so weird because we used to be best friends. We would stay on the phone for hours on end and never get bored with each other. I miss that. But I can't say I blame him. I held everything in for the first 2 years of our relationship and then I just started withdrawing. I barely gave affection and I acted so bitchy. I guess it's true what they say, hindsight is 20/20.
I didn't even realise it before now. I didn't understand and most of the time I chalked it up to something being wrong with him. Honestly, I believe that I was doing the best I could. I was so blind. So, now I'm stuck. I want more than anything to fix this, work it all out and be happy with him again. But he's so angry with me. I completely understand, but I'm ready now. I know I what did wrong and I know that I need to move forward and there's nothing I want more in the world than to move forward with him. I'm ready to let it all go and hold him in my arms again. But now that I'm ready I see all the anger he has for me and I'm so afraid that he's going to resent me the way I've resented him for so long. If only he would listen to me. I'd tell him to let go, it's only going to hurt you more to hold on to the anger.
I just want to fall in love again.