It’s a Thursday like any other. My co-worker and I go to our favorite soul food restaurant for our weekday “Sunday” dinner. I order a baked chicken breast and dressing (no gravy), greens, but no macaroni and cheese or cornbread. I’ll take a small peach cobbler to go because I rarely ever have room for dessert immediately after eating a full meal. My co-worker orders the works: a leg quarter (thighs are the fattiest part, right?) with dressing, gravy, candied yams, macaroni and cheese, a corn bread muffin, and banana pudding for dessert and eats it all in one sitting. I’m 5’8”, weigh 255 lbs, wear size 20/22 and couldn’t eat that much food in a sitting in an hour without being forced. She’s 5’8” and wears size 12/14 and eats this way regularly. She rarely ever skips dessert after lunch and I almost never have dessert after lunch.

This is the kind of comparison I make when eating with my thin-to-average-sized friends. I just don’t understand how most of them can put away much more than me but not be fat. I’m not a compulsive eater, right? Why, I’ve never eaten half a gallon of ice cream in one sitting or even one day! I’ve never eaten a pound of cookies or chocolate candy in a day. I don’t buy 2 and 3 entrees from my favorite Chinese restaurant and then eat them all in a day. I don’t binge, purge, etc. So why am I fat? Why am I fatter now than in my whole life? What is the deal? 

Time for a reality check…to come out of the closet…to closely address what I know deep in my subconscious, but have been unable to admit for years: I am a compulsive eater. I may not eat 2 entrees, but, when I have spaghetti with meat sauce, I usually have 2 huge plates. When I buy a dozen fresh baked donuts for the office, I’ll eat 2 first and then sneak another 3 or 4 during the course of the day. And I keep a candy jar in my office with the extras in my desk drawer. I may not eat “a pound of chocolate in one sitting” but I eat many mini-candy bars—3 musketeers, Baby Ruths, Kit Kats, Hershey’s Kisses. I could easily eat 6 mini-candy bars before lunch. Bite-sized Baby Ruths are just that and I eat enough to make a whole Baby Ruth bar. I order shrimp fried rice and eat it straight from the carton with a spoon. When I’m full, I stick the spoon in the side of the take-out box, sit it to the side, and eat out of it when ever I think about it—even when the rice is cold and I’m not really hungry-hungry, just munch-hungry. If my mother bakes a double layer caramel cake, I’ll eat a slice for mid-morning snack and a slice in the late afternoon for my work day snack and a slice before bed as a late night snack. If that ain’t compulsive, I don’t know what is.

I think about lunch while I’m getting ready for work. I think about dinner hours before I leave work and I contemplate what to pick up for the weekend most of the day Friday. I am a compulsive over-eater. Only I don’t gorge one big time; I gorge continuously so that no one would know I’m a compulsive eater unless they were with me all the time. And the truth is that, while I might not eat a pound of Oreos in one night, I could easily eat a whole package of Pepperidge Farm’s soft baked chocolate chunk cookies in a day—it’s only 8 cookies, but they’re big.

And it’s not just “bad” foods. I didn’t eat any candy or cookies, cakes or pies for a whole 5 work days, but I ate huge servings of watermelon twice a day. I know I can live without chocolate, but I don’t want to. Yesterday I had two big bowls of pineapple sherbet. Sure, it’s fat free, but it still contains calories from sugar which, when I sit on my ass all evening, converts into fat. And my body is an expert at converting stuff into fat. That’s what’s going on. Other bodies burn up the calories without storing them in case of starvation, so my friends are regular sized while I am set for that natural disaster, that emergency situation where all my fat stores will come in handy and keep me from dying of starvation. Um, yeah! That’s it.

Now what? I’ve admitted it. What’s next? Well, 3 days ago I made up my mind to exercise every day, alternating cardio and weight training, with Pilates, yoga, kickboxing. I got on the scale this morning expecting a change, but there was none. However, I told myself not to panic since muscle weighs more than fat. “Watch your inches, not the scale,” is what I told myself. It took years to get to this weight; it’s going to take weeks—months even, for the results to show. Patience. That’s what I need—patience. It’s also one of my flaws—I’m impatient by nature and trying to “re-train” myself to wait.

I’m learning to look at myself in the mirror (completely) nude and give thanks for my body as it is. I remind myself of the folks with no limbs or limbs that don’t work, those whose bodies are being ravaged by diseases with no cures, those who must take shots and pills and treatments every day just to function, and I say, “this is a beautiful body; this is a healthy body; this is a good body; this is my body and I can control what happens to it—I can give it sleep or not, food or not, exercise or not. It’s a good body and I am taking care of it for me.”

So, if I want Cheetos, no problem! Have some unsalted crackers. Do I want ice cream? No problem! I can have fat free sherbet. Want some chocolate ice cream? Have the guilt-free, fat free rocky road. HELL NO! If I must HAVE chocolate, and I know intellectually and emotionally that I don’t’ have to HAVE chocolate, then I’ll have one piece and call it a day. A life without chocolate makes no sense to me.

I’ve started a journal to accompany my spiritual quest and now it includes the exercise goals I achieve each day along with a list of good, ok, and bad foods that I consumed during that day. I’m studying meditation and how to shut out the negative thoughts and focus on the positive, life affirming things we encounter every day.

Maybe it’s just habit? For all these years hunger for a snack meant candy, cookies, or carbs. Is it possible that I can learn to eat . . . let’s say, spinach, for a mid-morning snack? I like spinach and it’s good for me. I had unsalted crackers for breakfast, but I’m not satisfied. Spinach it is! Who says that 12pm is the perfect time for lunch? I’m hungry now. So I’ll eat half of my boiled chicken and noodles (very little noodles, I swear) with spinach now and half later this afternoon. Eat when I’m hungry so I’m won’t be so hungry I over eat 2 hours later. I like that! (Another option would be to make sure that I actually HAVE honey nut Cheerios in my desk drawer BEFORE giving away my banana to my co-worker, leaving me with only 6 unsalted crackers to get me started on my day! But I’m not bitter.)

I’m making this up as I go along, but I have to set some goals because that’s how my mind works: you make a list and then cross things off and that means progress is being made. OK, so now I have to admit that food isn’t the only thing I’m compulsive about. Go figure, right?

FITNESS GOAL 1: to do some type of exercise every day for a minimum of 20 minutes

FITNESS GOAL 2: to lose inches & pounds and not obsess when the scale doesn’t move

FITNESS GOAL 3: to limit my intake of fat free, low fat and otherwise healthy snacks that substitute sugar for fat as though sugar doesn’t become fat when it’s stored in the body of someone already fat

FITNESS GOAL 4: to treat myself occasionally, but not go crazy with the Kit Kats or Baby Ruths (for goodness sakes!)

FITNESS GOAL 5: don’t overwhelm myself with too many goals, making the challenges unattainable in a reasonable amount of time

Since I started my fitness schedule 3 days ago, I’ll just fill in the rest.

ü      Sunday: 59 minute work out including warm up, cool down, cardio and weights for the upper body in the evening

ü      Monday: 22 minute Pilates work out—body sculpting, strengthening and toning in the morning before work

ü      Tuesday: 48 minute workout including warm up, cool down, cardio and weights for the upper body in the evening (note, even though the workout was shorter, I did 1.37 miles on the Gazelle Edge (27 minutes), which is the most I’ve ever been able to do in a day without my legs going all wobble, so I didn’t do any butt tightening exercises or lunges)

Wednesday: 30 minutes of “better butt” exercises with 3 lb. weights, and Pilates body sculpting in the evening

Thursday: 60 minute full body workout, including cardio, warm up, and cool down—no weights

Friday: 30 minutes of “better butt” exercises with 3 lb. weights, and Pilates body sculpting (I REALLY want a better butt and tummy!)

Saturday: warm up and then stay on that Gazelle Edge for as long as I can, as fast as I can (2 miles, here I come!)

Sunday: I’m not sure. If I’m still sore and exhausted from Saturday, I’ll do yoga. If I’m energized and inspired: KICKBOXING!