It's really hard for me lately. I only see Adam a few days a week for only a few hours. It's hard seeing all the couples around and looking down and seeing my empty hand. I wonder if it's hard for him too. Probably not.

The other night Adam and I were talking on the phone. Before hanging up, he told me that he couldn't get off work for my birthday or Valentine's Day.  As soon as the news sunk in, my eyes were brimmed with tears. I tried to keep my voice calm. He asked if it was alright. I said yes. He asked if I was sure. I said no. He said he tried. I said i know. don't worry. you need this job. he said we can do something the day after valentines. I pretended to cheer up and said yeah sounds great. he seemed satisfied and wished me goodnight. I did the same. After hanging up, I just started crying. It seems so stupid, but I was really looking forward to those days and all the time I'd be able to spend with him. If he never told me that he was going to take off those days for me, I wouldn't have been upset becasue I wouldn't have gotten my hopes up. Now I don't know what I'll do. On my birthday, my family will be gone, so maybe Andi will hang out with me. On Valentine's Day...I dunno. Maybe I'll rent some romance movies like The Notebook, Big Fish, or A Walk to Remember, or something. LEAVE ME A NOTE WITH YOUR FAVORITE ROMANCE MOVIE. Then I'll get some ice cream and just chill in my room. Shrug.

So all last week, I've been really depressed. My past has been creeping up on me and back into my life to destroy everything I have, and my job has gotten worse and worse. They all hate me, I can sense it. Wednesday is my day to hang out with Adam, so naturally I went to his house. Well even though I was happy to be with him, and I was just happy in general, I couldn't help being sad. Does that make sense? My depression was back and nothing was helping. I didn't understand it, I was so frustrated with myself that no one could help me and that my depression was affecting Adam and I, and I couldn't stop it. I just wanted to cry. Well after patiently watching the Hellogoodbye DVD with me I just sat there lost in my mind. Very detached and sad. Adam went upstairs. I figured he was checking his computer or something, as usual. A minute or so later he came back down grabbed my hand and told me to follow him. When we got to his room, he sat me down and played this part of a Bright Eyes song called Bowl of Oranges.

Baby, don't worry, cause now I got your back. And every time you feel like crying I'm gonna try and make you laugh. And if I can't, if it just hurts too bad, then we will wait for it to pass and I will keep you company through those days so long and black.

As soon as I heard it, I started to cry. I felt so relieved. I didn't know that he even cared. He also told me that no matter how busy he is or what he's doing, all I have to do is say Adam I need you. and I'll be there.

I've been feeling much better since then. Until Thursday night, that is. Oh well. I'm kind of over it now. I'm sure it'll get better.

I love him so much it hurts. I don't think he understands that.