I am 5 days away from my 35th birthday and I feel like a failure. I am renting a home I don't like, I broke up with my boyfriend two days ago, and it is nowhere near what I wished my life would be like. The main characters in this diary are:

Me-35, divorced twice

Superstar-my son, 15yrs

Diva-my oldest daughter, 13yrs

Jester-my youngest daughter, 7yrs

Hollywood-35yrs,my 1st ex husband, married 10yrs, together for 13yrs, married our accountant

Big Daddy-49yrs, my 2nd ex husband, married 1yr, together 2, best lover I ever had

Deadly Melody-46yrs, ex husbands new wife, our old accountant

Momma's Boy-35 yrs, ex boyfriend, together 1yr

Mom-61yrs, divorced twice, single,

Big Brother(bb)-42yrs, married with two children

Dad-passed away in 2001-still struggling with this

Nan-passed away Aug 05

Ditto-the only man I love right now-my cat

TS-35, childhood friend from another state, still lives there

D-38?, female friend, single, divorced, one girl, friends with Diva

M-39?, female friend, married with one girl, friends with Diva

Anyone else will be added as they appear. These are the major players in my life at this point. I guess I will start when my life really started to fall to pieces. My first ex husband and I separated in September of 2000. This was my high school sweetheart. We date since we were 16. He is the only man I can say I truly loved completely. I would have stayed with him through anything. We got married after I got pregnant at age 19. We were young and dumb and that was mostly our problem. Anyway, several months before we separated Hollywood began not being able to "do the deed" so to speak. I knew something was wrong. We had separated one other time, when our youngest was 3months old. He begged me to come back and I felt sorry for him and I did. It was downhill from there. I let myself open up again, got those strong feelings back, and he ripped my heart out. I had been working in his office and I thought things were going fine. Our accountant, whom I searched out and found several years before, was selling her office and coming to work for us full-time because the business was growing so quickly. The Friday before she was to come to the office to work full time he fired me. He said it wasnt good for the family, I needed to stay home again and take care of the kids. Little did I know at the time, he couldn't have both of his women working at the same place. When Hollywood left I decided to go back to school. I enrolled in a local community college. My Dad was coming down and visiting. The week before our divorce was to take place, my Dad had a massive heart attack in my dining room. He died right before my eyes. It was devastating. He was my best friend. He and I were so alike. So alike it drove a wedge between my mother, brother, and me. If I heard, "Your just like your Father" once I heard it a million times. Well, Hollywood swooped in, took care of me during this time. He talked about still loving me, that he would take care of me, things would all work out, blah blah blah. The night we came back to town he offered to let me stay with him and I did. I slept on his couch. He got several telephone calls that night. Each one he took he whispered into the phone and scurry into his kitchen. I knew then that it was truly over. At that point and time I didn't know that Hollywood and Deadly Melody were together but I realized something was going on with someone, even though we both had agree until the divorce we werent supposed to date. (Ha-if I had only known it had gone much further than dating even before our separation!) Early the next morning, I went back to my home, alone. I laid in the floor where my Dad had died and cried all night until I fell asleep. I haven't ever felt so alone in my entire life. The two men whom I had most depended on were gone. I felt lost, scared as hell, and just in a state of shock. I didn't know how I would survive. Some nights I wished that I didn't. Well, the divorce went through one month later. Deadly Melody and Hollywood moved in together about a week after that. She divorced her husband as well. There is so much more background that is there but I don't know that I have the patience to tell it all right now. I had taken a job washing dishes on the week-end. I didn't have to have a job, the child support and alimony was more than enough to take care of everything, but I was going stir crazy. Enter BigDaddy. He was a confirmed bachelor, a hunter, soft-spoken, and had a wicked sense of humor. He was an older man and not into the usual large ego in your face kind of person. Now that I look back I can call him a healer. He was exactly what I needed at the time. Loving, compassionate, giving, soothing, steady. Everything I had ever lacked. I was drawn to him like a moth to a flame. We could talk for hours. And once we made love, oh my god! He was fantastic! The sex was unbelievable. I was finally able to be exactly who I wanted to be, no matter how raunch or out there it was. It was the best part of our relationship. We were on the same page, we wanted it the same times, which was almost every day. It is the free-est I have ever felt. Totally and completely satisfied. That first year we were together was a healing year for me. Bless his poor heart, he listened to so much stuff about Hollywood and Deadly Melody and my Dad. He never complained about it. I was fully into school then, usually carrying 18-22 hours. He was a wonderful helpmate. But then, after we got married, he changed. About 3 months after our marriage, he and my son began having problems. I had to intervene between the two. Then he began to be really controlling. He wanted to control the thermostat, the telephone, the lights, etc. It kept esculating. He became jealous. He even called a male schoolmate who had called me about an assignment and told his wife the phone call was causing problems in our marriage. I could have died of embrassment. I was so ashamed. He would shut himself off in the bedroom and not talk to anyone for hours. It was ridiculous. I knew I couldnt stay in that relationship. I filed for divorce. The divorce became final just a few weeks after our 1st anniversary. Enter Momma's Boy five months later. We met over the internet, yahoo exactly. Turned out, he lived with his mother and dad. I thought it was because he was remodeling a home he had. I didn't know at the time, he had never moved out of their house. It also turns out that his mother and dad lived right behind Hollywood and Deadly Melody. Ironic isnt it?! We had problems from the start. I should have realized it wasnt good, but I wanted so badly to be with someone. He seemed good at the start, no drinking, smoking, good job, no sleeping around, etc. After weeks of chatting on the phone, I was ready to meet him, especially since he lived 10 minutes from me. No reason why we couldnt. He was very stand offish. He would reel me in, turn me off, reel me in, turn me off. Because of that, and a death in the family, I turned to Big Daddy one night. Well, three wonderous nights actually. I went to Big Daddy for emotional support. And just like always, he was there. Loving and comforting. The night I called him I told him right off the start I was dating someone and that I wasnt promising him anything. He said that was alright. He lied. The third day he called me and wanted to talk. I listened, he wanted us to get back together. I said no. He said he was going to call Momma's Boy and tell him what we had done. I said fine. I called Momma's Boy and told him myself. It was a terrible terrible night. (and several afterwards) I had only had 3 dates with Momma's Boy and he had been yanking me back and forth. I had no idea if this was ever going to work or not. I needed someone and it was plain Momma's Boy wasnt going to be there for me, so I went to someone who was, Bid Daddy. Honestly, if Big Daddy had laid low, and allowed things time, I probably would have gone back to him. Forcing his hand like that, killed it all. He scared me that night. He was so angry and vindictive, unlike anything I had ever seen from him. I think he would have hurt me if he could have gotten his hands on me. I was petrified. Anyway, Momma's Boy gave me hell for a while, but we continued to date. Up to date, things havent changed much. Momma's Boy turned out to be just as cold as he was in the beginning. Worst of all, he doesnt want to have sex. I had more sex with Big Daddy in one month than me and Momma's Boy have had in our 13 months. How sad is that? And not only that, it isnt anything like it should be. Very depressing and makes me feel very undesireable. I would like to have sex every other day or so. One time I let things go as long as I could. He went seven weeks without a word about sex. That is not a healthy relationship. Not only that, we cannot connect on an emotional level like we should. I dont understand it. I have tried everything I know how to do, for the sex thing and the emotional thing. He lacks either the will or the understanding of it all. He says he tries and he loves me to pieces but he cant back that up with action. The point I am at now is wrestling with myself to NOT call him. I am lonely, sad, depressed, and definately horny. I have thought about calling Bid Daddy. I know it would be a mistake, but the thoughts of his lovemaking, his comfort calls to me. I know I shouldnt and I hope I dont call either of them. Wish me luck. I will write more later. Im tired.