My guy works offshore, a job that I thought I would LOVE for him to have.  I mean, working 28 days and then home 28 but then gone again 28.........so pretty much he is home 6 months and gone 6 months.  I get a full year of money and support from him and only have to deal with him HALF of that time!  I thought I would LOVE IT.  But he started this job after I became pregnancy and now I hate it.  I do not know if it is the hormones or what, but I hate when he leaves and can't wait for him to come home.  I know I sound love sick and I sound like I am still in the early stages of puppy love, but we are far from that stage.  We have lived together over 6 years now, and have ALMOST 4 kids.......we have been through much tough love with one another, so it is not the early phases I am going through.  Whatever it is, I wish this feeling would go away.  I feel such an empty spot in me when he leaves.  I feel as if I can't get up some days and that all I want to do is just lay in bed and cry until he comes home.  Of course I don't do any of this because I have 2 kids here at home that needs my attention.  Also my pregnancy would not allow me to lay in bed all day either.......otherwise, I may just do it.

I feel the loneliest now, at my seventh month.  I feel as if something is terribly awry in my life and for the life of me I just can't figure it out.  I know I shouldn't be complaining and I should be happy that life is going so well at this particular moment.  For that I have kept quiet, for the most part, and just dealt with my extreme depression all on my own.  But, I think to myself, how healthy is that for the wee one that still lives inside me?  Am I making him depressed too?  Is this total depression and desperation rubbing off on my unborn child and going to affect him once he is here?  God, I hope not!!!!!  I try so hard to push these feelings aside.  I try to remain calm and collected so that I do not affect him but some days are so much harder than others!!  

I suppose I will just live in my own private hell for the next 2 months and hope that it gets better.  For my child's sake I DO hope I can control my mental state, at least until he is no longer inside me!  I want him to be healthy, physically AND mentally.....and NOT have the stigma of my days of desperation to bring his spirits down!!!