ive been so hurt recently... its amazing really. i felt invinsible for the last year and now all of a sudden here i am questioning my self. i was in love with someone. and i wasnt ready for that. i felt to young to comit to something. now i feel all alone. ive lost the one person i wanted to spend my life with. when i was unhappy, the thought of being in his arms, was imidiate comfort. i loved him so deeply. and i lost him.. the thought crossed me that if he loved me that much he wuld understand. but i screwed up, i know that.. i need the fun, i needed all the other guys.. to make myself feel good. stupid i know. here ive written about all these guys i say i reallly lied, and i did.. to a degree, but this... i never felt like that before, it scared me to think about it as a relationship or anything serious. but now ive lost him, i dont feel whole. and theres nothing i can do to make him come back to me, hes the only guy i want... i dont think i could ever feel this way about anyone. its one of those things youll look back on in 10 years time and still beat urself up over.. and regret and i regret almost nothing... but i will love him forever... the one guy who loved me for who i was. and i loved him, every single part of him . so sad to think he'll never hold or kiss me again. i misss him so much, and i never get to see him again. damn that hurts.

i dont want anyone else. everyone just plays with me. none of them really care about me, i cant figure out why they stick around still... but its not right, its not going to last. none of it. its all fake, based on attraction. i want someone i love. I dont want to find it again.. it hurts too much, i m still some what believeing he will come back to me, that hes just trying to teach me a lesson... but, ... sigh, i know hes not... i know hes serious, he said he couldnt wait for me to grow up, thing is... he wont ive me the chance to prove im over the whole going out n other guy thing... i am, i havent been out in ages, specially been with another guy. i was with someone, and when we were together i thought i was into him... but theres conditions on us being togteher, and its way too much for me to handle. he wants a family and alot more then im ready for. hes a cool guy, but i dont feel the same way about him as i did with my baby. i would do anything to have him back, to prove to him that i care about him more then anyone in the world... see the thing is, this other guy started talking about having children, and i thought about my baby... and spending the rest of my life in his arms, with his children. im so crushed by all of this. i wished he had asked me to marry him, becuase i would have sad yes and i wouldnt have fkd around like i did... lol, i sound like such a loser. but im in such pain right now over all of this. i couldnt sleep last night, i did at some bad hour this morning.. and when i woke up agaian, i continued the crying, so depressing.

if i had 3 wishes, my first would be, that my baby come back to me.. and stay with me forever. id wish more about how much wed love each other, but its already there. see i know he loves me... he just doesnt trust me. i wish he could see how serious i am about him and being honest to him and him only. but anyway, no use crying over spilt milk, once its spilt.. what can u do but clean it up? cant exactly get it back can u? u can get more milk, but not the same milk. but i loved that milk, and i feel so stupid for spilling it. i think ill sulk over it some more. lol.

theres nothing i can say to fix the problem.. and that feels so strange. usually i can make someone understand in a sense, well my baby i can, that i love him.. but it just not sinking in... its cuz he dont love me anymore