So, normally I'm not one to even post incredibly depressing things in public, let alone on the internet, but I honest to gosh need help. And not support. I am so beyond that, I have support here in the real world, I promise, but I'm over it. Anyway, the point of this entry is that I seriously need help actually killing myself. Of course I've considered a lot of ways to do them, but found flaws. I live near lots of trains, but apparently it causes the drivers to get long lasting post-traumatic stress disorder, and I really don't want to do that to someone. I don't have an enclosed space to gas myself in my car. I would crash my car, but there is so much of a chance of surviving that I don't even want to attempt it. I really want to shoot myself, but I don't have a gun and I certainly don't know anyone who would give me a gun at this point. I would jump off a bridge or a cliff, but I don't even know of any accessable place that's high enough. I would slit my wrists, but I really hate pain and feel like I would pass out before actually getting it done. Same with poisoning, I feel like I wouldn't like the taste and stop.

Some of the reasons why I wouldn't do it before was that I would be leaving my dad devistated.However, he's taken on a new daughter who is a fucking cunt ass bitch. I honestly want to stab her. Whatever, I don't want to go to jail, I want to no longer be here. I think a lot of people don't kill themselves because they fear death, but I don't. I fear pain. There's a difference. I mean, with death, we don't know what happens after, so how could I be scared? I suppose, religious people who think they know what goes on would be scared, but I'm not. I amlost feel like death is just the end of conscious living.  I wanted to have kids and get married and be happy but honestly, I can't see that happening now. And please don't think I'm doing this over a man I love, because it's not. He's part of it, but it's more of a cumulative thing. My mom is somewhat financially supportive, but she thinks I'm a piece of shit. My dad is states away and cares for his new family way more than his own daughter. And it's not that I want this as the jealous daughter, but the fact of the matter is, when it came down to it, he chose them. So, that's cool. My sister thinks I suck. I'm not even that great at karate. I'm stupid as fuck and have no idea where my life is going. Was. I will feel awful for doing this to my best friend, but I hope she understands. I have friends who I love, don't get me wrong, and maybe this is just a way to run from my problems, but I don't really know what to do at this point. I don't want to talk to anyone either. Frankly, I just want to leave as the happy camper everyone knew me as. Not the freaking train wreck I'm about to be. I'm going to miss my dog too. I just got him, wtf. I don't know. At this point I almost feel morally obligated to go through with this. I will want someone to tell that man that I love him, but I don't really want him to know what happened. Just wanted to make sure he knew I meant it and how much he meant to me. The best part is, everyone I know hates him but my best friend. Heh. Suppose she'll have to do it. I think I'd write to her, but not my family... though, I would explain a bit. I also hope my best friend isn't asked to prepare me, as she is a mortician. And I hope to god whoever does do it watches true blood and knows how I like my make up. And I hope there's lots of shimmer. As much as I don't believe in anything, I still want a few photos and my ipod. Haha.

Well, anyway. I was hoping someone who doesn't think I'm crazy could come up with a solution...like a do able way to do it. I've made my mind up and just need help doing it.