I thought I should explain why I haven't posted in years, only to suddenly post something incredibly wrong and sad. I honestly was desperate to not be here anymore. I legit was a happy camper a few months ago. I could not figure out a way to do it, and I seriously thought someone here would give me a suggestion. I suppose now that I'm still here, anyone who would have legit ideas probably isn't still around. So kudos to them, the successful people who managed it. Apparently, it is not as easy to kill yourself as a broke college student. However, I did manage to do it, well attempt it.

I ended up going to four different pharmacies to purchase asprin. I found an empty parking lot and went for it... As for how that went, no one tells you how hard it is to take so many pills. No one tells you to keep hydrated so you can actually get them down, but I managed. Honestly, I think I should be dead right now. And, in a month or so, assuming I'm still here, I'll let you know how I feel about that. Anyway. I took about 80-90 asprin before I passed out in my car. Which, for my own reasons, thought it was an appropriate place. A few hours later, after thinking I actually did it, I woke up. Eff my life, I woke up. The best part is, I woke up with just enough time to go to work. I hate the place I work, and honestly, as cliche as it sounds, it is the root of all my problems. Anyway. I couldn't feel my face, I puked a lot, I can't believe that I even went to work. I wonder if I'm suffering from internal damage right now. I still feel shakey, and my mouth keeps getting jets of saliva, like I'm going to throw up at any second. Also, I feel like my insides are on fire. The irony is in that I have the worst headache imaginable.Ha. I would take some tylenol, but honestly, I was given a... second chance, and I'm a little afraid that I might die. As if I actually believe in things like that. Well, how could I not at this point? Second chances, I mean.

I didn't have visions, an epiphany, or something magical like that. I literally just went to work, sick as a dog. When I got home I was ambushed, I got slapped and hugged alot. I'm sure my dad knows what happened, but I haven't heard from him. My best friend, second one, hates me right now but at least I'm here to fix it. My mom, who doesn't have a nurturing bone in her body actually acted like my mom last night, and it devastated me. The man I'm in love with told the guy who loves me, that I wasn't his problem. The guy who loves me unconditionally was pissed, but he still loves me. With a few conditions, of course. I can't talk to the guy I love anymore, and I can't talk to a good friend of mine who I hooked up with. And luckily, my first best friend has no idea what's going on, but she still loves me, so I'm grateful. Honestly, no one was supposed to find out. And the only reason they did was because the man I love told them that I needed to be taken off his burden.

I'm still a little shocked that I'm alive, but today I got to bond all day with my puppy. I did crafts. Lot of crafts. The guy who loves me came over to visit and he started crying, which broke my heart. He said he could feel me drifting away. I assured him I wasn't, but I'm only 50% sure myself. I guess I'm going to start using this as my diary again. I'm going to need it after all this. Therapy twice a week, and I'm checked on every hour when I'm alone at my house. I feel very... retarded for failing. Not sure how I feel about it.