|Journeys Into My Other Self|
I have to write some emails to a couple of friends of mine. The trouble is, I have nothing to tell them. My life for the past almost year has been pretty much the same. Go to work, come home, feed the dog, come on the computer, watch a little tv, go to bed. And on weekends? All but the go to work, with a little movie watching in between. I get bored with having to say 'Nothing much has happened'.
And yet, so much has happened. I'm not the same person I was last year. It's not just the loss of my second parent, and finding myself truly on my own for quite some time. It's not the mourning process I went through at his loss, or missing the sound of his voice or his welcome when I came home. It's so strange when you try to explain your relationship with your elderly parent to others. Especially when you're caring with them. Yes, there's still the father/daughter aspect. But things evolve. In many ways, especially toward the end, we reversed roles and I became mother to his son. And in other ways, since the death of my mother we became partners. Not in a sick perverse sexual kind of way, but in a sharing off lives, thoughts, the daily living. There's an equality that develops in these intimate activities. I wonder if sons also go through this strange almost Edipodal metamorphasis?
So yes, I miss him, more than I probably realise. But that isn't all that's changed. There's the self-analysis. Why am I how I am? Who made me this way? And what issues do I still have to resolve with my parents? Thanks to my counselor I discovered a lot of those issues I wasn't even aware of. I was also able to put into perspective those that I was. I was able to do all this and say 'You influenced my choices, so have responsibility in the way I turn out.' Not just to my parents, but also to those others who had a strong impact in my life. From my mother's sister to a teacher who I can only remember from the damaging scene that still haunts me to this day. She wasn't being deliberately hurtful, but she made a comment that affects my psyche even now. But I also realised something very important. They may have all influenced them, but I made those choices. I am the one who got me where I am today. Without their strong influences, I'm making different, me choices, but I still chose my path, and still choose to a great extent to submit to that influence. A great thing going camping. The isolation helps one to see inside oneself and to learn to forgive.
But is that all? No. There's the psychic work. I can now fully own it. One, because my parents aren't there to denigrate it, and two, because I've seen it work. The more I work on one area, others are developing and growing. I'm amazed at my own abilities, but still have the fragility to not fully believe in them or my right to have them.
And then there's the being. Just being me. Just coping with life and all the blows on my own. Making choices and decisions without 'having to run them by' another person. to be at the furthest depth and know I found ways to climb out of it. With a great deal of help, but I pulled myself up. And seeing a light at the end of the tunnel.
I look back on the last 11 months and nothing much has happened. And yet, a great metamorphis has happened. I've changed beyond recognition. I am not the person of 11 months ago, and I'm beginning to love both the old and new more and more. And if anything has changed above all, it's just that. Love. I can acknowledge, accept and give love to the most important person in my world. Me.
But how to put that in an email? One friend has been with me through all of that. She was instrumental in some of it, as it came from helping her with her issues. The other has been with me for years. She was the one with open arms who took me in when both parents died, allowing me to rest in her home during my holidays. I wonder if she'd recognise me now?
What's happened in the past year? Nothing much. Everything.