That's something I could never be called. In fact, I'm one of the untidiest people I know. Fortunately, I can't give myself the title of the untidiest, but I wouldn't be far behind. And I've often wondered why. Why is it so hard for me to hang up my clothes after I've washed them? Why is making the bed such a chore? Why do I have a hatred of dishes? Actually, I know that one. It's because they're never-ending. You do one lot, there's another just waiting within a few minutes. What a waste of energy.

But there's only me to pick up after. I don't count the dog, though she's not exactly miss neat either. I have plenty of rooms with plenty of storage space. If well-maintained, it wouldn't take long to just tidy up each room, then clean the floors. Yet I have this inate inability to do this. Why?

Well, there is of course, the big one. Laziness. I wasn't really taught as a child to do my chores, and keep my room quietly. I think my Mum tried, but it was one area that she wasn't as strict as others. Weird. perhaps she knew more about useless waste of energy than I gave her credit for. But it's more than that. I proved it this weekend. Because I had a good weekend. Why? Because I cleaned my kitchen. And I mean cleaned. The stove top and oven got a going over. The benches got wiped down. The microwave was cleaned inside and out. I have yet to do the fridge and floor, but nothing else was missed. And a lot of clutter was gotten rid of. Now it took me all day. Because I took lots of breaks, not because it was that bad. But I stuck to it. Because i gave myself permission to take my time. And I reversed some chores. I was exhausted afterwards, but I had a real sense of accomplishment. So why do I find it hard to continue that vein? When I know how good I feel afterwards, and how bad I feel if somebody enters my house and it's messy. The only answer i can come up with is that the house is a symbol.

A symbol of what though? A symbol of my still rebellion to my parents, though I've resolved so much of that? A symbol of my stamp of independence (this is mine and so can be as messy as I want)? A symbol of the clutter that is still in my mind, and needs a general clean out? Or a symbol of the barriers I'm still erecting to prevent me from achieving the success I'm beginning to realise that I do deserve? And no matter what symbol it is, how do I overcome it? How do I become the clean freak inside, so that I can become a better housekeeper outside? Not just for one day, but at a consistent maintenance. And is it important to know what kind of symbol it is, or just to know that it isn't about the housekeeping but about something else? Does just recognising that give me the ability to overcome this barrier, and to create new, more appropriate habits?

Isn't it funny how, when trying to answer one question, we develop so many more? I don't know the answer to my housecleaning problems. I can't afford a housekeeper or maid, so I shall just have to perservere. Perhaps, like the other aspects of my life, practise makes much better?