|Successes and Failures|
Todays a bit better than yesterday- I ate cereal. I have a feeling thats the only thing ill be eating. Just saying that to myself makes me feel 435987x better because im in control. Finally. I read a quote somewhere, it said something like: "Thank God I have this terrible body. Thank God for calories and exercise and diet pills. Thank God weight loss. Im so glad I have this body I can spend my time fixing and improving, when I know the inside is beyond repair." Now, I know thats a little extreme, but sometimes its not far from what I feel. Acctually, that is what I feel, just watered down.
Now, after last nights pig fest, I woke up with a terrible stomach ache, and nausea at about 3:30 in the morning. I have had stomach aches all my life, and since my little epiphany [eat nothing, gain everything] I havent had stomach aches because theres nothing in there to make my stomach irritable.
I know for a fact that I overdosed on this candy chewable nausea medicine. Im not sure I care. My stomach feels better and thats all that counts. I would have gotten sick, which makes me think about something like "Why couldn't I have gotten sick last night, say; right after all that pizza?" Well what can you do?
Im watching Dave Attel on comedy central. Hes great. I don't even laugh anymore because I have been exposed to humor my whole life. Sometimes I amaze myself at how funny I am. My friends laugh at [ill say with me instead] me all the time. Im also a writer and see things very, sometimes too logically. Its a weird combination. In print, I can make myself any kind of person. Its so amazing how different I can be to some people. I have different personalaties in real life too. They differ so much, some people get turned off. Thats why, I think you either have to love me or hate me. I didn't think anyone hated me, but last year someone.. I think it was one of my friends told me someone said that they hated me. I don't know what I could have done to make someone hate me, but I guess I did. Thats when I started acting differently. I wanted to change, and I found out that I cant take someone hating me. I'm not even sure if I hate anyone. I dont take critisism well, either. If someone calls me fat, I'll stand in front of a mirror while I eat. This ensures I won't be able to eat that much, because I get rather discusted.
Thats one way of making myself feel full, or not hungry. I'll also chew a bit of food and spit it out, just to see how it looks being digested. If anyone besides me reading this has ED-NOS and is struggling; looking for tricks/tips, try that. It works for me. I usually wont eat anything for the rest of the day.
Last time I stepped on a scale was a while ago, because we dont have one at home. I never saw the point in looking at numbers on a scale, but at my body. Now, its like the numbers on the scale are measures of my daily seccesses and failures. My mom is already a little weiry because I don't eat much and I have dropped a few, so If I asked for a scale she would catch on.
Christian finnigan is one now, he is very funny too. I am willing to bet that I know every comedian that you will see on comedy central on a Friday night.
This is taking longer than I thought. I didnt know that I had this much to say. Oh well. I really dont have this much to say, im just trying to keep myself busy. Im already experiencing little hunger prangs and its not even lunch. I guess ill be taking a nap today then, to ensure I dont get bored and start to eat. Two bowls of total is quite enough, because I know I need to be punished for last night. Total is great. Its very good, fills me up [for the most part] and has everything, so I wont pass out or anything during class. Im glad im getting everything I need in under 200 cals, this way my hair wont fall out, and my fingernails wont turn blue. Its happened before. There was a period not to long ago, where I wasnt eating like.. anything at all. My fingernails were so blue, and everyone of my friends are like"Hey! Check it out guys!" It was acctually kind of funny.. I didn't really mind.
I recently gave myself a tattoo, nothing fancy its just a nice wavy line on my fore arm. Its about an inch. I used a needle and pen ink [they werent even the good pens, they were the 99count pens]. It looked pretty cool up until about a week ago. The pen ink is starting to turn green and its getting kind of red. Now im just kind of embarassed of it and try to keep it covered up. I put a bandaid over it last night [one of the tough strips] [[uh oh]] and tried to take it off just now. Oh My God. Ow. I swear its like ripping off my skin. Its like fucking tourture. I know its just a bandaid but, it did take the hair off my arm haha. Its fine though, I think ill do it again tomarrow. Im pretty much a massacist, so I kind of liked it.
Its about 12 noon now. Today was a morbily good day, though. I woke up rather early at 9:30 [thats early for me]. I was just talking to a couple of people from groups on myspace; because honestly none of my friends are up that early either. I was playing witha pencil, decided to draw something. I went to sharpen the pencil with the pencil sharpener, and saw that it was one of the cheap ones. The blade was held in by a screw, so naturally, I found a way to work it out of its holder. It was wonderful [i know what your thinking] because it wasnt like big bulky scissors, but it wasn't like the razors you take out of shavers either[wicked flimsy ] This one had all the sharp of a razor and it was thick, but small. I think its perfect. Thats what I meant by morbid.
Im leaving. Going to stop writing. But will probably add more as the day goes on, because from the looks of things its going to be a pretty uneventful day.
You stay classy