The first words that come to mind when I start writing are, "I am sad."  Sometimes I think I long for sadness.  That maybe I am the one who shatters what I try so hard to build.  Maybe I need the sadness to see my joy.  I've thought about this.  Probably more often than most other things in my life.  And I've never really come to a conclusion about it.

It seems as though if someone comes into my life who can possibly bring me happiness, I shut them out.  Because I know if I let them impress me, they can/will dissapoint me too.  There are a few people that I wish I would have let in when I had the chance.  But also I think if I would have let them in, would I be where I am today?  Probably not.  And yes, I don't really like it here.  But I've met a few people that I know I'll remember for the rest of my life.  I am going to miss them terribly when I go. 

I refuse to let this be another 'woe is me' journal.  My thoughts are very dark, depressed, and lonely most of the time.  Dont' get me wrong, I'm usually a happy person.  It's my head that gets me down.  It's times like these that get me down.  When there's nothing in my life to make me sad, but nothing to make me happy either.

That's what I get for being an anti-social hopless romantic.  I want so much to be loved/have someone to love, but I won't let anyone in.  I know I do this.  I'm well aware when I'm laying the bricks around my heart.  But I've been hurt too many times to trust what people say. 

I tried out here.  Met a really nice guy.  There were alot of things that made us perfect together.  Same views on most everything in life.  Music, movies, gov., religion....  But when it came to the things that mattered most to each of us, we were way off base.  He wants/ed to change.  He should if it's what he wants to do.  But I don't think anyone should have to change who they are or what they're about to fit someone else's ideal mate.  I believe that two people can live they're lives, and still share one. 

Trust is a big issue for me.  You will always have my trust, until you do something to break that trust.  If you do break it, you'll go through hell to make it up to me.  Just like love there are many different levels of trust.  The higher the level you hold, the more I expect of you.  And the more I expect of you, the more I respect you.