and a poet. Octavius came back to visit. I've been on Lizzie and Warren about ending because he's staying another year. I haven't been thrilled with them together at all, but at least it was all under the guise of at least it's ending when he graduates. Now he's not graduating so their sleeping together is a problem. It's really just the having sex part that bothers me. Octavius and I hadn't been very good either, but then he left. Problem solved. Well...he came back. He came over late at night, like he used to, but this time to talk about an issue he had heard about. Turns out my lack of tact gets around. He was really upset by it. We talked for about an hour. Then he laid down, and we moved on to other subjects while I stroked his face. I had forgotten just how good he was for me. He balanced me...this is while we were together, not while we were just being bad. Perhaps I should have kicked him out then, but I didn't. I like having him around. I liked just being there with him talking. It's worth noting that it doesn't take long for things to heat up, so when they started to, I told him to knock it off, or I would send him home. Maybe I should have. I didn't. We fell asleep in each other's arms. The next morning, a few hours later, we awoke, and this time the mood was different, it was more playful. We teased each other, made jokes, and laughed. The problem is that we're so comfortable around each other and we know each other so intimitely that it soon turned dangerous. At times like that, I would tell him we coudln't do anything, and he would laugh and agree. Then he kissed me on the cheek. I kissed him on the cheek, then he kissed me on the lips and kept talking to me like it was nothing. It was a peck. One of those kisses that married people always give. I told him we couldn't do that, and he shouldn't do that again. But that door is hard to close. Sure enough, a little while later, we actually kissed. It didn't last long because we both knew it wasn't right. We put our backs to each other and tried to go back to sleep. We slept. Then we woke up and started talking again. Our faces close, and laying in each other's arms, it isn't hard to see that we kissed again, and stopped again. He lives in CA, and in so many ways we wouldn't work. But in so many other ways we really really do work. I still love him, and I know that he still loves me, but seriously, does that matter? no. not in the least. I probably won't see him again, and that's ok. He's happy, I'm happy (not anymore, but I was) and we're ok. The last time he left, it was awkward, and it was nice just to see him again and be close to him again. I know nothing would come of it, but whenever we're together, it seems so right. I don't regret what happened. Why should I? What part of that was wrong? If he were staying, and we were here together, we couldn't have that because then it would be quite clear that there is no relationship that would come of it. But I'm not going to see him again, I tried to resist the kissing thing, but it happened anyway, and I don't really care. Nothing more than kissing.Seriously, nothing more. Which for us is amazing, because we got pretty good at doing a lot more than kissing.
Anyway, since I was so hard on Lizzie and Warren, I really didn't want it to come out that we had kissed, because I knew it would look hypocritical. I don't want them sleeping together, how could I let Octavius kiss me? I personally see a difference between having a secret sex life with someone for three years that isn't going to go anywhere, and kissing an exboyfriend/old friend who you haven't seen in a while. I can see that. It was spontaneous and we stopped. It shouldn't have happened, that I know, but we stopped.
It doesn't really matter anyway, I told Lizzie and Justin that nothing happened. I lied to my two best friends. How's that for lack of respect? I am a hypocrite. I hate people who lie to their friends, and what do I do? I lie to my best friends. First time. I was too scared to say it happened and it shouldn't have, so I said it didn't happen. I told them what should have happened. Justin was already mad at me for letting him stay overnight, now he's positively dissappointed. Lizzie doesn't like telling me how she feels, but I'm sure she's upset. I just don't know how much. I would be really upset, and really sad that my friends thoght they had to lie to me. I wonder why I felt I had to lie to them? Probably because I don't regret it. The kissing shouldn't have happened, but I'm not sorry it did. I guess I didn't want Lizzie to think that it's ok for her to sleep with Warren just because I kissed Octavius when he came back for a visit. I know I shouldn't have kissed him.
I didn't want Justin to be dissappointed. I knew he would be livid that I let him stay overnight. He'd slap me if he knew I kissed him.
Oh look, I'm hypocritical, a whore, and I'm a coward. I see the hypocritical, I see the coward, but I'm not seeing the whore part. It was a kiss. Kissing is easy to fall into. Especially for me. It's very easy to kiss people, in fact , I have a problem with kissing people, but it stops shortly after it starts. I don't see that as whore-ish. A problem, yes, but I reserve the whore for the sex part. Not that I haven't acted the whore. I think I should stop. I apologized to Lizzie today for the lack of tact, I wouldn't want to reopen that door. Especially since I've lied to her. This is a low point in my life. I've lied to my best friends. Cowardice, is that all? I don't normally act the coward. At least I try not to. No one's told me I've been acting the corward, maybe I have and no one's told me yet. Maybe it was all this crap I knew I would get for it. No excuse, but maybe that's the reason. The Lizzie/Warren issue has just started to die down, and then I kiss my exboyfriend. Well, as Justin would say, Lizzie and I are the same person. Now I have to go have a talk with everyone because things like this "affect all of us" as Justin would say. I don't think he's even upset that Iied to him, I think it's because I kissed Octavius.
I'm sorry? Oh wait, I knew that already. Now I'm going to get a lecture on just how wrong it was. NOt that I don't know that. Remember, it stopped kissing because we both knew it was wrong. Well, live and learn. Who needs dignity? I sure don't. I think I'll go get a lecture now and hopefully fix things with my friends. Isn't love great?