i have had 3 conversations on the phone with my mother since 9
count them on your fingers
i have been crying.
really hard.
okay, i haven't cried much this year
this has been serious crying

i called her at 11:30
we talked
we were having a decent conversation
i told her i want to stay here
i will do things to make this work
i will not move back home for an extended period of time
she wanted to know why
i said because i dont feel like i can relax
and i dont need the stress
she asked what about her stress?
she's worried about me living alone.
in effing corvallis.
i know half the damn people in this town!
not half.
but in my neighborhood, half.

she started yelling.
wait, not yelling.
talking. she was just talking
she "never yells"
i was crying, everything she was saying
made me feel horrible.
i was sick of it
i hung up on her
ten minutes later
she called me back
said
"fuck you. you want to live by yourself, i'll rent you your own apartment"
she hung up.
i started crying.
so. i took a shower, cried.
i am here now. completely drained
wanting to call peter and crawl into his lap
like a little baby.
i just need affection right now. and peter is...
well, like my comfort blankie.

i need my dogs right now.
i dont want to live alone
but i cannot live at my house for longer than a month
i dont know what is happening.
i dont want to hurt anyone
but i want the opportunity.
i need the year off
and mom doesnt want me living with peter
because he lives too far out of town.

i do not know what to do.
i am so, so sorry.
i wish i was someone who could mold
to fit my own family
i wish i could be docile
to my father
i wish i had never, ever talked back to him.

i know this is all my fault
if i hadn't moved out
we would be fine

i am so, so sorry
i think i will take a nap.
and then wake up
and work on the damn english project
so
sorry.

all my mother would be happy with
is me wanting to move back in
but i cant
and i wont

sorry.

i dont think i'm a good person anymore.