04-11-2006

My hand was on the mouse, I was working. Instead of him asking for permission to use my mouse, he covered my hand with his. He leaned over me, stood so close; I could practically feel the heat radiating off his body. When it was nearly time for him to leave, I called him back to look at one last error. He was apologetic that I was booted off the system. I turned to him and accused him of stealing the pen he was holding. He held it out for me to get and when I reached for it, he grabbed my wrist gently and wrote “Hello!” on the back of my hand.  We are without computer problems, so I will probably never get to see him again, which is probably for the best. I was willing to risk my marriage to take a chance on Chris ******. It’s a freakin’ shame though, but God is guiding my life on this. The thing is, Chris, he sends mixed signals, running hot and cold. We talk about him marriage, but he fails to tell me about his girlfriend, only mentioning her when he is doped up on Percocet. He rested his hands on my shoulders once when there was no reason to touch me other than to touch me. I call him my friend, but its complicated. Truth be told, I am so attracted to him, but what could he ever want with a fat lard ass like me?? I look at myself and I know I am disgusting. I sometime wish that I could develop an anorexic eating disorder so I wasn’t so damn fat. I weigh 230lbs… I mean that is not pretty and not attractive at all. I am a compulsive over eater. I seek food to comfort my insecurities about my weight, which are increased by eating. It is a vicious cycle.

I want to know what it is like to kiss someone again. That excited feeling has long since left my marriage. I want to know how it feels to be in the arms of a man. The only man I have ever been with is Alex, and then there was that bastard of a father who molested me and made me the way I am. I turned to food when my dad turned to touching me. It isn’t only his fault, but it sure didn’t help. If we were a happy family, and he had never molested me, then I would have probably grown up like my mother (skinny as a freaking rail until she too turned to food for escape from him). I just wish sometimes that I didn’t have to worry about being fat… or losing my teeth. I am 24, and I have already lost two of my bottom teeth. There are at least 3 more that need to go, and one of my nearly front teeth on the top is sick, and might be dead already. I am so afraid. I might kill myself, or at least I think sometimes I would be better off.  I will never be 150lbs. I will never have pretty white teeth that are healthy. Sometimes the panic in my chest is too much to bear and I can’t stand it anymore. Sometime I wish I could gather the nerve to take enough pills to go to sleep and never wake up again. Sometimes I wish that a car would come crashing through mine (but not be my fault) and kill me instantaneously. Sometimes I wish that terrorist would attack my building and I would be shot and die as quickly and cleanly as possible. Sometimes, I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes all I see is blackness.

Manic Depression and Bi-Polar Disorder runs rampant in my family, and I am afraid to voice any of my concerns because then everyone might guess. I am sicker than I let on to be. I will be the first to admit I need help. I have the Antidepressants in my car, but I never take them. Perhaps, a Xanax retreat is what I need to snap out of this funk that I am. Maybe it is just the full moon that is rising in the sky. Maybe it is because I am on the fist period that I have gotten since my last 11-15-2005. Today is day three. 

I just don’t know what I want. Sometimes, I am so proud that MY LOVER is all I have ever known, and that I have been a faithful wife to him. Then there are the days that I wish Chris would come into the office, ask me a question or for help that would draw me away from my coworkers. I would be standing there, both of us crouched down to look at the server and he would slip his hand behind my head and just kiss me. I would push him away after a moment, breathless and stand up. I would tell him something, like that’s not cool, and he would kiss me again, pinning me hard against the wall, my hands would go to his shoulders, at first as if I was struggling with him, then to draw him in. That is all I want, a passionate kiss with someone other than MY LOVER that I am attracted to. I know it is wrong to even entertain thoughts like that, but I can’t help it. I am so disappointed that I will probably never see him again. God has a reason for everything, so that is how it is. I want to loose this weight, and that way I will be a knock out when and if I ever see him again.

04-21-06

He came into the office today, I knew he was coming. I mean, it was me, after all, that had been sabotaging the computer systems for weeks. It was easy, but I HAVE to knock it off, no matter how badly I want to see him. He has a girlfriend, I have a husband. I got him in trouble with his co-worker, because he told him boss he would be at our work at 9 AM, Craig told me @ 9AM Chris would be there. We had printing problems, and I called the help desk 2x and the emergency line 1x. Finally mad, I emailed Craig and told him that Chris told me that it would be 10:00-10:15 before he got there. I was grumpy in the email. I guess Craig chewed Chris out, who in turn call me up angry. Ok, I started the email out I don’t want to get anyone into trouble. I mean, there was some miscommunication between either Chris and Craig, Craig and me, or Chris and me. Oh what a triangle. Incidentally, it was Craig and not Chris that I became infatuated with first. Chris may have the looks, but I find Craig’s personality more appealing. Anyway, Chris finally gets to my office and I show him the bruises on the palms of my hand where I fell (not the real story, but I will never admit the real story). He actually touched my hand ever so softly. I wish it could have lasted forever. He asked me to help him remove all of the stuff from the closet, and at the end, I checked the room to make sure that it would work out for us. I closed the door to see if it would close with a person in there. I should have stayed in the room with me. Maybe, he would have kissed me. I mean there HAS to be something there.  I mean I know how I feel when he is around. I am so infatuated with him. I have it bad for him. The real question is: Am I infatuated with him because it is him, or is it because he happened to be the one that walked through the door? I guess only God knows. I am married, and I don’t want to ruin that, but I think I sold myself short settling for just one guy… One guy, four kisses… that is all I have to think about. It has been so long since I have kissed in a heated sort of way. I am ashamed to say, I am not as attracted to my husband as I once was. We have both gotten fat and flabby, but every time we kiss, every time we have sex, I have run thoughts through my head to get off, or at least fake that I am getting off. I shouldn’t have sold myself short on all of the experiences that there are to offer.

I finally got Chris to email me back, but it was regarding a general computer question. I am so stupid. I mean, I am smart enough to see that he doesn’t want to be friends with me. I know it seems obsessive, but I really want him to email me. I want to talk to him. I want to kiss him… shit, I have something wrong with me. I mean it is SO obvious that he doesn’t want to be with me. I think I might start an anymous web program so that I can confess this to the world, and still be safe.