|Searching the stars|
Surprise surprise Boss is back to interfering with my life, i really enjoyed the last 4 weeks without her while she was travelling round Oz but now she is back, she sent her husband in to spy on me and then starts giving me loads to do for her and her Boss. While i like that im respected enough to do it, i wish she would realise how much pressure im under for my own job and how giving me this shit to do is just making it worse. I had a bit of chat with one of senior managers before he asked was i ok (knowing i wasnt really) and got it out of me why i hate shop so much. We had such a strong team in my old shop that even when things were tough we stuck together and got through it. Its not like that here there are a few gems but to be honest i could happily leave and would never look back. Maybe i should look for something else, something different. I dont know
Feeling weird about Ben, to be honest im enjoying just being his friend, I've had such good time with him this week even if he was rotten drunk both nights. i'm confused about how i feel now, i know i still love him but something is different and i cant figure out what. Its as if i have finally given up or something. no point in flogging a dead horse and all...
I wonder how different things would be if i never went to work with him? Would we still be together, would we have split long before, its weird after you break up with someone, you spend months analyising why it happened, what went wrong, how it could so easily be fixed. if only at the time you could see things as clearly you wouldnt spend half as much time being miserable you would simply go down the road you should have done, fixing things before it got to far to fix.
I miss him the most at night not because im lonely but stupid thing like him hogging tv remote or snoring really loudly. When i first moved in with him i had really bad insomnia and somehow his snoring fixed me, it gave me something to take my mind off all the things that made my mind go into overdrive and gave me that something to focus on. Someting that comforted me, listening to him snore was knowing he was next to me and the reminder that he loved me that he was mine and nothing else mattered. thats what i miss the feeling that what ever was going on only us being together mattered.
I wish he meant the things he said when he was drunk and could say them sober. now i feel as though he just wanted to stop feeling guilty and by being with me he got both the punishment and the guilt to stop but that wasnt what he wanted, i will never understand what he sees in her, other than her being so like me 6 years ago (except i never would have been that deceiptful).
I need to get back to the gym this Sunday maybe even before my bro comes round tomorrow it destresses me, makes the thoughts and images stop.