man i just got off the phone with my mom and a complacent sense of irony has fallen over my persons. you see, i had beforehand gotten off the phone with amber and umm the conversation closed on feeling lucky. and im not lucky by any means. i have no charms, no rabbits feet, or fucking commercialized cereal. why the fuck cant anything just ever fucking work out? am i just only realizing when it doesnt? am i making something into a daramtic fiasco that she or her or realistic people wouldnt? am i lame? is this life? i just really want... i want... alot and perhaps its too much and my standards are ridiculous and my wanting is unwanted. im so sick of getting things done. im so sick of not just being able to cook without a bunch of bullshit polotics being involved. not at work, not a home, not with myself. and when i do, when i do cook and i feel it and i love it and create it, all i feel is giult. and i hate it. not all of it but most of it and its so cliche how life just cant be easy but i really think im better than cliche and life should be easy sometimes. i think so much lately and i want to cry at the most inappropriate times. like its really impractical right now b/c i have to look at the keys when i type and its really blury. i feel really angry about a plethora of stuff. i feel really angry about the way i make her and her feel. i realized the other day that what im attracted to in people is similarities. i dont want what im not, and i think its alot more fucked up than its been built up to be. on so many levels. i feel things. and feeling is really hard alot. i just fucking wish i could be care free for once in my fucking life. sometimes i really want to be taken care of. someone to take care of me and my things. and when she applied for a loan on the internet for me it made me feel soooo good. i dont know if it really is this way or ive made it this way or what is the reality of everything. i always want to talk about thing b/c i feel so fucking out of touch all the time. and im really sorry i always want to know how it makes you feel or what that really means or why you dont what to be with me every fucking moment of every fucking milisecond we spend living in eachother lives. and i have all these fucked up emotions and selfish theroies that i just dont know what to do with. where to stash them away or light them on fire. i dont know if the drugs numb or stimulate anymore. i guess alot of both. whats most fucked about all this is im really fucking happy and things are going really well. on the surface. really well, i feel like im progressing but not in what matters. or am i? im really well. i drink good beer and vodka, i smoke pot, eat good food, have money, have recognition, have a really good time alot with a really awesome person and people for that matter, and it really is a great life i am living. and so i guess its just really confusing and all that lame living shit. but i am really well, thanks for asking.