Went to my regularly scheduled family doctor appointment and when he looked at me he said, and I swear this is what he said: "You look like hell, what's wrong with you?"

Nice when the family doctor says that right off, huh?

I've been going to him forever and he's one of the few doctors I interviewed when I moved here that believes black-mold kills, which is the major reason I went with him.  My mom and kids go to him now too.  And since moving to the great North Mountains here, I actually travel an hour to see him and he starts the appointment by saying I look like hell.

But he was right.  I do look like hell, and I feel even worse.

I haven't slept in nearly two weeks.  My limbs are feeling numb these days and I just drag around the house.

So when he said "You look like hell, what's wrong with you?"  I started to cry.  Not because he hurt my feelings, but because he could see what I was trying to hide from the whole world these days.  I'm plain old miserable.

So I broke down crying and started telling him that I had this wonderful long term assignment with a mixed age classroom and never felt so alive before.  That I thought I would be asked to stay on permanently but the job was given to a teacher from a very distant district instead.  I told him that I thought as a consolation, and because the principal professes she loves my work, that I would be given one of two other jobs she had at the bigger school but alas, the third grade position was given to a newly graduated teacher with a BA and the second grade position was offered to a teacher that doesn't want to work for this principal.  No word on a job in my preferred district.  That I can't even get an interview, nevermind a job and here I will be finishing grad school with $50,000 more debt than I had a year ago and no job to pay it back.

He then rubbed my back, told me that it'll get better and told me that he would like to put me on some anti anxiety meds and anti depressents to help me get through the next few months while I'm looking for a job.

So I took the first pill an hour ago and I thought it would have kicked in by now.  No luck.  I'm still wide awake and wishing someone would just smack me on the top of the head with a mallet so I could go on with my life.

Tomorrow I start my last series of classes in grad school.  I'll be done on my birthday, August 4th.

Here's hoping for sleep tonight!