I just checked out what seems to be a pretty cool diabetes forum. I need it. bad. to connect to other people with the same disease. I am feeling pretty upset about it. i think its finally hitting me that its not going away. ever. that i dont get a break ever. i have no control and it really is life or death.

i know it can be okay and tons of people dal with it but there are so many things that go along with it. its a burden and right now i feel so lost and broken having to deal with this crap. I dont want to do it anymore. its making me angry and miserable and sad and frustrated. i hate not having control over my body or anything in my life at the moment.

i do what i have to in order to get through the day. but they lied when they said that pricking your finger and giving insulin doesnt hurt. it does. not so much finger pricking but the injections. if i put it in the wrong spot or move it the wrong way when its inside it kills. it can bleed then it swells and hurts the rest of the day. i hate my tummy being touched now. its always sore!

i feel like i am grieving but feel so ashamed because its been a few months now i should be over it. but i guess because i push my feelings aside in hopes it will either figure itself out or go away i havent really dealt with it all.

just thinking about it right now i want to burst into tears again.

i did the ugly cry earlier and called my mom. totally broke down.

ive been so stressed with my life lately that my sugars are going too high and its pissing me off. then they went too low when i give a correction to fix the high. and lows are scarey. then i went way too high after.

i fucking hate this. how am i supposed to have a baby and be okay? i mean the diabetes team seems to be okay if i were to get pregnant that i would be able to control everything to the best of mine and their abilities. i would be seeing someone every week. rotating between the diabetes team and my specialist so it would be under a very close eye. it made me feel better but i am realizing more and more that i am a bit of a perfectionast with certain things and a huge control freak when it comes to my life and i get seriously miserable if i cant control something or make it the way i need it to be. and this is one thing i will never get perfect i am being told and im super worried about that which is also not helping my stress level and sugars cuz of that.

i need to be working out. seriously. i have high cholesterol too. and you know what i may look in the mirro and think i am fat. i know i am slightly overweight for my height but really i am only 145 pounds and have to worry about diabetes and fucking high cholesterol?

so lets see, type 1 diabetes, asthma, high cholesterol, ibs and beginning stages of arthritis.

I AM 25 YEARS OLD FOR FUCK SAKES!!!!!!!!

My body is not supposed to be this old. I just hope that I last longer than what I am thinking in my head. I hope I can live a long happy healthy-ish life despite these obsticles. I just need some support and motivation and I know I will get my positive vibes back. I am a fighter and always have been so I always feel so ashamed when I feel like this., maybe thats why i push my feelings to the back. I feel like im not strong by feeling all of this. like people think i am weak and cant do things or something.

i gotta go i am exhausted! tomorrow will be a better day. once spring comes and the warmer weather and sunshine is out i can be walking every day getting fresh air with that sweet warm air on my face!