| Confessions |
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Art IS love. It’s how multiple people express themselves, express their LOVE for someone else or their lack of love. and it’s what I LOVE doing. It’s what I’ve always been passionate about. More than anything else it’s what I want to do with my life. And, unlike graphic design, I feel like I can do it. I feel like I’m good at art and I don’t have to panic every time I walk into a studio. I have my own “style” in design but I’ve been called “self-taught” (by none other then the WONDERFUL SARCASM? A LITTLE… DEBORAH KAHN. And I got an A in art last year, in ART: THE STUDIO EXPERIENCE. I have never gotten an A in anything related to graphic design, nor have I ever come close to getting A’s in graphic design. And there’s always lots to think about changing in my designs. So I’m majoring in ART. I’m not majoring in psychology, although…I could. It’s the second most interesting thing I’ve considered majoring in. I have the ability to figure out why people do what they do, and what drives them to do it, but…I also have the ability to CREATE things with A MESSAGE, more in art than in design. (I’m not trying to be cocky or arrogant, but I do have the ability. If I didn’t have the ability why would I have gotten an A in art last year, huh?) Yeah I can design things but most of the time people look at it and tell me I need to change things, or that it doesn’t make sense. It’s easier in art because…as long as I fill the assignment (project) requirements then I’m good to go, and people don’t make me change things as much. Yes I know art is competitive. So is design. Well I inherited the Hume competitive streak so…I should be able to put that to good use. It looks like I’ll have an easier time using my competitive streak (and INTENSITY) in art. In design…I’ve noticed that no matter what I do it’s not good enough. Not the case in art. (I’m a SCORPIO, which makes me INTENSE and PASSIONATE and MOODY and creative. I’m the most passionate sign of the zodiac. Combine that with BIPOLAR DISORDER and I should have enough creative inspiration to last a while. And when I’m not manic I’ll have to look for inspiration in what’s around me, but I do that anyway. I like pop culture so…finding inspiration for art shouldn’t be a problem. Going to american and majoring in art is the plan. It’ll give me skills I can improve on in GRADUATE SCHOOL. (that terrifies me, but it doesn’t terrify me as much as it used to.) I want to know if graduate school is really necessary. There’s a scene in SHE’S ALL THAT where Zach Siler tells Laney that he can’t just pick a college off a list and go there, that living with his father makes that impossible. I know how he feels. But I also know that I’m too independent to put up with that crap (even if only in my head) from my father. I’m too independent to let people make all the important decisions for me. Yes my parents are involved but they’re not OVER-involved. Not as much as I thought they were once, anyway. I was NUMB and so I didn’t have a way to not let people walk all over me. That’s not the case anymore. I knew I needed to stand up for myself but now I really need to. and I was young and stupid. But how could I not be excpected to? I’ve grown up in a family that expects everybody to be opinionated and share their opinions. So I’m going to follow in their footsteps, and I’m going to be as independent as they want me to be. but in a different way. I also used to think that Tulita was perfect. (I used to think mom and dad were perfect too, but I don’t now.) why did I think that? because it got forced into my head, that’s why. Everybody around me thought that so I eventually started thinking that too, even though I did (at some points) question it. they’re not PERFECT, they’re human. I believe in choices and I believe in INTUITION, and I believe that sometimes I have to use intuition to make choices. (how else are you going to be able to make decisions like where you go to college, unless you pick something that you are convinced FEELS right based on the information you have?) In the same scene where Zach is talking about how he can’t just choose a letter from a stack of college acceptances laney is talking about how when her mom died she didn’t cry but she knew things would never be the same again. That’s kind of how I felt when granddaddy died. I was so depressed that year and it was unlike anything I had ever felt. (Yes I’d been depressed in middle school but in tenth grade it was something I couldn’t pull myself out of.) And the style and level of depression I was stuck in was unlike anything I’d ever felt, which made me think that after I stopped feeling this way nothing would be the same. That’s what happened. I don’t feel like that all the time anymore, but I don’t know if I’m the same person I was. Before tenth grade I was innocent (relatively) and then I started (once again) questioning everything and…that questioning changed things. It wasn’t BAD, just different. There’s before tenth grade and then there’s after tenth grade. P.S. I’m writing this in COURIER NEW again because I feel the need to stick it to graphic designers. What’s so wrong with courier new anyway? Perhaps if I knew REASONS why people don’t like courier new I could understand why it’s such a despised font. (excuse me, such a despised typeface.) I feel a new desire to stick it to designers because (in spite of) that I’m not majoring in design anymore. Like…even though I have started checking out of design I’ m still in a design class so I need to respond to designers who hate courier new. In other news, somebody
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