|Diary of a bulimic|
This morning, my mother woke me up and asked me if I wanted to go out to lunch...at this point I cannot even imagine eating 1 whole, normal meal I am that far gone. Also, I already had planned for a b/p later in the day, so this would have ruined my schedule. So I refused and of course I really had no good excuse.
This prompted yet another lecture, although it was the most invasive as yet. My mother basically wanted me to admit that I had an eating disorder...the closest I came was saying that I was going to try to work things out on my own and I was going to see a counselor at school. Unfortunately, my mom made me promise that I'd have a counselor contact her to verify that I'm seeing someone. Even though I'd suggested it myself, I really never intended to go see one at school. I had to see an alcohol counselor at school this past semester for a violation (passed out drunk and had to be driven back to my dorm by campus safety) to verify I didn't have an alcohol problem and it was absolutely horrible. I don't really have much faith in these counselors. I know that sometimes they can be very helpful and such, but I've also heard the horror stories. My mom also decided that I wouldn't be able to go to my boyfriend's house until Monday (instead of Sunday) so that we could have a going away family bbq. So, um, NOT looking forward to that!
I know my mom just really cares for me and she doesn't want things to get worse (she said she doesn't want to get a call from my school that I've collapsed and had to go to the hospital and that I weigh 82 lbs). I'm just not ready to stop yet. I know that makes me sound like a terrible person, wanting to be sick and retain my disease, but maybe some people know what I'm talking about.
When my mother left for work at 5:30, I had my usual binge: chocolate peanut butter icecream, peanut butter cookies, bowl of rice krispies, and some ziti. Purged. My purges always take 30 minutes, which is SO long compared to some people. I know it sounds bad, but I wish I could purge easier. Some people can get it up in 5 mins, hands free! The length of time hasn't kept me from purging though. Maybe it has in some situations, since I know I need a certain amount of time allotted for a b/p session.
Tomorrow I may not be able to b/p. My mother doesn't have work, so she'll be home. Unless she goes to the beach, which is another can of worms. These 2 weeks she's been pestering me so much to come with her. I don't want to, #1 because her departure means I can b/p! and #2 I'm afraid if she sees me in a bathing suit she'll flip out even more. I am low on icecream again though, so if I am going to b/p, I'll have to buy some somehow (I have to have ice cream every binge, it makes things so much easier). I don't have my own car, so I'll have to ask my mother to give me errands to do so I can get away.
Well I am off, probably will watch some Grey's anatomy (I've only seen it once before and it was alright, plus nothing else is on).