|Take everything, I dare you|
I still havent figured out what to tell Maggie and Steve about the lump. I talked to my Aunt Kathy, who I mentioned in my last entry, shes survived breast cancer but not without losing one of her breasts, she told me NOT to trust them. They know absolutely nothing without a mammogram. I trust her words and I know shes right. Only one problem...I have no insurance. Money is extremely tight right now for my parents and I currently have nothing saved up. There is even less money because of the Holidays and my fathers truck needing to have its 4-wheel drive replaced. Which they estimated at about $300.00 and then suddenly it changed to $700.00. Assholes. Anyways, I need to talk to Planned Parenthood and see if the 'insurance' they gave me for birth control and annuals also covers mammograms. But theyre only open Monday, Wednesday and Thursday. Im sure they wont be open this Monday due to Christmas eve. If they dont cover it then Im fucked. I'll have to have my mother talk to her doctor and see how much one will cost out of pocket. And for that, I feel guilty and like total shit.
Im not even sure if Im going to tell Steve. Its been a week without so much as a phone call. Its been 5 days since he took the 30 seconds to send me a text. All I wanted this week was him to be there for me. I was so scared that at one point earlier this week, I couldnt stop shaking. And I just thought about how he used to be there for me all the time and promised to always be my friend and to help me. I feel stupid for falling for that. I dont even know if he would take me seriously if I told him. He'd probably tell me, "Oh, its nothing. It'll be fine" Gee, thanks pal. I just cant believe I've lost someone that meant so much to me. I asked Anthony if I should tell Steve. I told Anth that he probably wouldnt freak out and Anthony told me Steve cares...just really deep down...hidden from me. Thats terrific.
I keep saying my prayers and hoping with everything that something will eventually give and I'll figure my life out. My prayers for my sister and the kids came through today! The money SS has owed her since October I think, finally came in! And just in the nick of time. They gave her close to $900.00 today and she was crying. She was so thankful.
Meghan and I are going shopping tomorrow after she gets out of work. Im pretty excited. Im trying to stay busy and with Christmas coming, its not hard right now. I keep telling myself to think positive and everything will work out...somehow. I think Im in a sort of denial about the lump though. I do my absolute best to not think about it and it works for a little bit. But as soon as Im alone its like...its like it hits me all over again that there could be something wrong. Maybe Im just being paranoid. Maybe Steves right...Im dramatic but I dont feel that way about this. At all.
I dropped off Maggie's families gifts last night. I saw her brother Kyle, which was nice. He looked good and we chatted for a few minutes but sadly I had to leave. Mom was waiting in the car and she was being queen grumpy pants last night. I told her I dropped them off and expected to talk to her either last night or today and tell her somehow, in a not so serious manner about the lump but our schedules didnt match up again. Surprise.
Im wishing everyone a happy weekend.