I'm so very confused. Charlie and I chatted tonight. Actually, I was nearly at his house when I got a text that said, "ding dong". I thought "no f-ing way". I called him. He said, "I said ding dong aren't you going to let me in?". I said, "Do you know where I am?" "No. Where?" "35W and Hamline." (About 5 mins from his house.) I turned around and met him back at my place.
We talked a lot. Until about 415am.
He feels like we need to downplay the marriage discussion. Focus on dating for now.
He feels like he can't trust me when it comes to sexual purity and consistency because I am always in his damn pants.
He feels like he isn't sure if he wants to go for another girl someday. This one is the worst. He doesn't know. I can't live without knowing. I told him not to tell me he loves me until he figures that out. There's no way he can be certain of loving me but not be certain of wanting to date someone else. He even said, "maybe there can be a non-exclusive dating time". I said no. He either dates me exclusivly or not. He either loves me or not. He is either willing to deal with my sin and hope and pray that I grow (which I want to!) or he isn't. I will always be a sinner.
I said, "Maybe you shouldn't date me, I am so fucked up". He said he was also. The thing is..sure, I am sure he has areas that he is messed up in. He was a PK and homeschooled so by the time he made a friend as a kid he had to move again. That makes it hard for him to trust long term relationships. But...his catergory in "fucked up (ness)" isn't one that is going to ruin our relationship. He said mine can.
He told me he didn't want to feel like I was under high pressure to be enough and not too much. I do feel that pressure but not necessarly from him. From the world. From Christians. From who knows where. But...then it's like he is saying if I am not sexually pure we will break up. That's pressure to me.
He also called me on my being controlling. I have accussed him of being controlling because I can only come on to him when it is his idea. He has to initiate it. Really (and I had thought about this before) what is happening is that when I am weak, he is being strong. When he is weak (much less often) I am being weak and welcoming it. And then when he is strong and tells me no (which he has every right to) I push it and use it against him. He feels bad and gives in.
I can't promise him anything in this area anymore. I just have to do what is right and prove it to him with my actions that I CAN change. I know I can change and grow. I just wonder if I have enough time to prove it to him. I wonder if I'll mess up too soon and that will be the last straw. I wonder if I have the endurance and perserverence.
I can only get through this one with God. I cried so much tonight but I felt like...Charlie can hardly comfort me. I don't even know if he loves me. I don't know if he really wants me. How can I go to him? How can I be vulenerable with him on this one?
I pray that he becomes very certain of how he feels about me and tells me very soon. I still feel like we are going to work out but I am so afraid that I'll be wrong and then...I'll be the fool. A very very lonely sad fool.
I told him I was torn between running from him and embracing him. Between telling him to go work things out and come back to me when he figures out an answer but then I would have to miss him also. And what if I don't like his answer?
I already planned on not going to church because it is so late and because I've only had 3-4 hours of sleep last night and today (naps that never really worked) so I am very tired. My being tired does not help.
What if he decides that he doesn't want me?