I'm not quite sure to be honest, i've kept a paper diary for years and i suppose it hasnt really helped me untangle my thoughts in the slightest! I am thinking maybey if new people can read my diary...i can be as honest as i like without having to worry about secrets getting out and different people will look at things different ways and hopefully give me a new perspective on things!?
So here goes!
What a fucking time i've had of it...my heart is like a tyrant bull in a china shop...i wish i could tanqualise it and for once have a normal relationship.
Everything was fine. I lived with my partner of three years who i loved with all my heart, we had turned an empty flat into our home, it was us against the world, we lived in a bubble of mutual apprecitation. Untill i got a job, started uni and made firends and he didnt. The milk very quickly went sour. He moved out and i was happy to just be me and that was fine. I miss him uncontrollably, but i suppose you would after three years right?
So that was fine....untill i discovered i only atract weirdos.
It sounds far fetched but wait till you see the evidence....
-while with C i embarked on a sordid affair with a man who works in the pub next door to my work, we met twice in one week had lots of sex...everything was going swimmingly...the next week he went all cold on me a couldnt see me....i couldnt work out why...untill i saw him outside the pub a few days later kissing his GIRLFRIEND who it turns out had just got back from being on holiday. Wanker number 1.
-After breaking up with C, a man stopped me in the street (apparently this should have been a dead give away!) but we got to chatting and he seemed really clever and funny and he was quite good looking to so i took his number and give him a wee text...we saw each other for a bit till he turned out to have a very clear problem with alchohol and a very unpredictable tempramnet. I politley but firmly ended it only to be confronted with a barage of aggresive obscene and sometimes perfectly normal and friendly like nothing had happened text messages, a very angry wanker number 2 outside my front door for five hours ringing my buzzer continually and the peis de resitance....a brick through my window at 1.30 am.
-im feeling pretty dispondant by this point and decide i really dont want to be with anyone except me and my friends! BUT....while working in the shop one day this guy who id always fancied quite a bit comes in and starts talking to me, he gives me his phonenumber, i call, he says why dont you come round and we can watch a film, i say yeah that sounds cool..he turns out to be freshly out of hospital where he'd been for almost a year due to his schizophrenia which didnt bother me at all he was just a bit mad and eccentric but as the night went on he also turned out to be a rapist. It was the third time id been raped in my life...so my reaction was pretty mixed, a big part of me was like this is nothing you havent been through before just ignore it and carry on the other part was like.....why does this keep happening to me, do i attract this, am i doing something wrong and in short an emotional wreck. Were talking about wanker number 3 in the space of a month now.
-then things started to look up a bit while i met this guy in Cathouse (my favourite club ever in the world) we actually went out on dates and everything and i was feeling very happy that i was capable of pulling someone normal...but he decided im "a really cool girl" but he'd rather have me as a friend....thats right....do you shag all your potential friends then?
-today walking home from work, its very cold and rainy but hey ho so im smiling anyway and this man walks up to me and grabs me by the arm, "Get off me," "I just jumped out infront of that lorry, im going to do it again, will you watch," "No i wont watch you shouldnt jump out infront of the lorry....you should just go home, its too cold to be out here" i pulled my arm away and started walking, "Dont go....i love you......i love you please come back" and proceeds to shout about his undying love for me for as long as i can hear....im just thinking thank fuck he hasnt followed me.
Its so stupid aswell because all this time while im attracting people who are clearly in need of specilist help im absaloutly totally infatuated with someone. I shall call him R, should he stumble across this by accident one night and find out ! Iv known him for about year, i liked him from day one but as iv gotten to know him more its grown, hes very good looking, funny, nice and most of all he's really really clever and aswell as really wanting to rip his clothes off i also admire his intellegence so much and really respect his opinions! BUT....i cant tell him because i have to see him every day and i would never be able to look him in the eye again should he reject me!
I also quite like a new person iv met, he seems very nice and normal (though clearly my judgment is somewhat cloudy!) we've gone for coffee a coouple of times but nothing more than that, i dont know if he likes me or not....i cant quite decide but i like him and i was thinking about asking him if he wanted to go out at the weekend.
BUT then i realised that clashes with one of my friends who is comming down to spend the night (in a sexual way) which im not really sure i want to do anymore, its kind of just pointless meaningless sex really, i was really excited about it yeasterday but now iv totally gone off the idea. But i honestly cant controll my need for sex...im convinced its what leads me to make all theese bad judgements and land myself in all theese bizzare situations.
Do you see why i feel its about time i start trying to untagle this mad web of relationships iv got going on!