| The Girl Always Left Behind |
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So todays attempt at being a Christmas elf just didn't seem to work out. I have been planning on doing something for about a week now. I even thought of the different scenerios just in case. I wanted to make sure it was a surprise. I even thought about how i was going to arrange it. I was so nervous coming down the road. it's hard not to notice my yellow truck. I thought of parking it someplace, doing something so they wouldn't notice.
I pull in, already a lot of cars, shit. i just tried so hard to not make much noise. Damn dog, starting barking. Then he looked out the door. He gave this look, not a very welcoming one. The type of what the hell are you doing here. Great, thanks. So i get even more nervous, my hands fumble about the gifts. I rush because i have a feeling he'll let them know. Call or something. Nope, just as i was walking out my car, they come walking out the door. My surprise ruined. I can't even do that right. They tell me to go upstairs, and they'll be right up. I walk upstairs, with each step trying to be quiet, trying to relax. It doesn't help. I set up my nonsurprise now. I rearrange it to make it look nice. I walk around a little. I'm already nervous, and i start to just panic. i don't want to be there. i don't feel welcomed, i just feel like i'm in the way. I leave a note and try to leave quietly. I guess my car makes more noise then i thought. i shut the door, he comes out, looks at me again. With that same damn look. Makes me feel like shit. Like why the hell did i travel out here, that i shouldn't have. So my eyes start to well up with tears, i fight them back. I leave. So i travel back, crying a little. Feeling like i can't even do a surprise right. I can't do anything right. Why do i even bother? i just don't know. I was so nervous, a happy nervous. And i come home feeling like i am shit or something. I can' do anything. I should just stop trying. Blah. It goes along with my mood last night. I am alone. i will be alone. Not in a good place now. Goodbye.
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