|A Better Place|
Chris left me on April 5, 2012. He did it so matter of fact. He just calmly explained why we didn't need to be together. The same tired old list of reasons why we hate each other. The same tired old fights we've been through over and over for the last four years. He says he doesn't think he can handle kids, he says he wishes his life were easy again like before I came along. He doesn't want the dogs anymore, we just don't have anything in common. Blah blah blah, I pack all my things as usual. He helps me and we both talk about how much happier we will be without one another. We love each other but it will never work, we'll never be happy together. Things are better this way. Then I go to my mom and dad's spend the night so lonely I think my heart will break. I cry myself to sleep, text him in the morning about how awful my night was. He says "Let's give it another chance." because we can't live without each other whether we are soul mates or not...only...that isn't what he said this time. There is where this was different. He didn't say come home baby I miss you so bad...he only said sorry, it's for the best. It has been a week now. One whole week without the "love of my life", I thought he would crack by now, I thought he would want me back but he doesn't.
This isn't just a break up. This is THE break up. This is my first break up. It is also the first time in my adult life that I am single. I started dating Chris June 14, 2008. Chris was my first kiss, my first boyfriend, my first...well everything. I used to tell myself, I'll never have a break up. I used to think my first would be my last. That no matter what we would work things out. I would sacrifice things for my love because I wanted to pure and true. I wanted to be proud that I only had one. I wanted to tell my grandchildren about it and smile. In a world of skanks and sluts, I wasn't one. I'm not religious I didn't do it for God. I did it for myself. However, there was a wrench in the plan. I didn't count on him leaving me. I didn't count on not being able to work it out because he doesn't want to.
I just can't get over the fact that the man that I love more than anything doesn't want me anymore. Could I have possibly of been that difficult to deal with? Am I asking too much from him? All I want is a couple of kids, a modest house, a dependable car, and someone to hold me at night. He doesn't want kids, he doesn't want a mortgage, and he'd rather walk than pay maintenance on a car. I should have seen this coming. He has always complained about normal every day things. I thought it was just general bitchiness. Everybody has bad days, everybody bitches every now and then. I admit he bitched more than most but I sacrifice, I overcome, I deal but he doesn't deal. He left me. More like he kicked me out. I was just waiting for the time to come. I went online at OUR house to change our facebook statuses since he wouldn't have a computer after I left. I thought he would stop me but he didn't. He said he felt bad for wasting my youth, taking my virginity, and ditching me after four years when he knew all along that he didn't want what I wanted. He didn't want to grow up. He knew that all along. He told me he would give me one thousand dollars. He did give it to me. We deposited in my account and I knew that it was over.
I went to see my sister at the bar. She was working and I drank more than I should have...I think she fixes them a little strong. I was bawling before I made it home...not my home, my parent's home. When I drove by his house, his lights were on. He never stayed up late with me. He always went to bed right on time. Wondering if he was with somebody else about drove me mad. So I texted him. I realised that it was four o'clock in the morning and he was up getting ready for work. Eventually in my drunken rage I begged him to take me back. I accused him of cheating me, of destroying me, I explained I couldn't live without him and finally three minutes before he had to go to work he finally told me that we would try again. We would work it out. I felt so relieved. I couldn't wait to hear his voice. Three days had seemed like forever. I fell asleep imagining his arms around me. When I woke up he'd been texting me on his breaks. He was still talking about getting back together but through his texts the general idea was that he hated himself for ruining my youth. How many guys I could have met, parties I could have attended but he kept me home. Friends I lost because I chose him over them. I don't have any true friends left. He would right his wrongs, he would take me back even if it made him miserable. He owes me but should I ever want a man that takes me back out of pity? That proclaims his life will be terrible with me but he'll do it because he loves me. No, no way. I'll be a crazy old cat lady before I allow that. So no we aren't getting back together this time because I say so.
Yet, how can I live without him? How did this happen to me? Wasn't I a good girlfriend? I tried so hard to please him. He wasn't exactly easy to please either. That OCD stuff was difficult. He wouldn't take his prescribed pills and everything had to placed in the right spot just the right time. I lived with it. I learned what made him happy. I did things his way, in the order he liked them, when he liked because it didn't matter to me and I knew it mattered to him. No other woman would take such effort to learn his ways so exactly. I wasn't perfect but I damn sure tried. I couldn't have lasted forever though. I just don't know how to love another man. I tried to picture myself flirting with another guy. Holding another guy, but I can't. I can't imagine it. He is all I know. I spent so much time trying to learn him and adjusted myself to him. How can I please another man? I can't, I'm Chris' woman and no other man will want me. I'm not molded into their woman.
Not to mention Chris never had compeitition either. No other man has ever looked at me in that way. Before I started dating him, nobody else had ever tried to date me. I'd never been hit on at all. I was only seventeen but it never happened during dating. Sure, most men knew I was taken especially in our small town but what about college? Nobody there knew me, they didn't know I was taken and I spent many an hour looking bored and lonely in between classes. Nobody asked me to lunch or asked if this seat was taken. Never. I wasn't exactly asking them but I've seen other prettier girls get hit on before without any invitation. That hasn't ever happened to me before. I know it's pathetic to whine like this but I'm terrified. I just want him back. I just want him to make those same promises he did when we first got together. He doesn't remember, but I do. I remember telling him all my hopes and dreams. I told him everything I wanted. Five kids, an entire herd of horses, a flock of pigeons, and the house with the white picket fence. I remembered he always said that he hadn't thought of it before but all that sounded great. He was just lying though. He had no intention of getting involved with all that. I should've known. I graduated high school, he did not. I went on to college, he wouldn't hear of it. I held the same job all through high school and through college while he skipped here and there. I should've known he wasn't putting forth any effort to achieve 'our' dreams.
It just didn't click. I'm so stupid and now here I am, back at square one. The lonely girl on my parent's farm. Without any real friends, shy and destined to be alone. Only back than I had a heart full of hope and trust. I was so sure I could make any relationship work and I just knew I'd be happy no matter what life threw at me. Now all I feel is hopeless, sorrow, and abandon. I feel dirty and not good enough. I feel like I've been wasted that I was thrown back and nobody else would bother to catch me. I've never been so lonely and depressed.
Did I mentioned that I've gained sixty pounds during this four year relationship? FML