|I Hide Amongst the Shadows|
I have a new boyfriend now. It's been some time since I last had one which means this is a new adventure for me. So far, I'm failing miserably. I tried so hard to be the perfect girlfriend in my last relationship, that this one is suffering because I no longer have the energy to devote to someone new. It doesn't help that I and my current boyfriend, Hunter, are as different as night and day. But, I suppose that is all part of a new experience. But, I still wonder if I was right in picking someone who is so different from me.
There is at least one thing that we do have in common. Both of us are mental. Literally. I'm depressed and so is he. We were both seeing therapists for a while but stopped. His therapist said that he thinks he might be schizophrenic. This is what I attract. I don't care, though, I still love him. He hasn't even begun to uncover all the problems that I have. I still haven't told him about the panic attacks and the obsessive compulsive disorder.
Our phone conversation Friday night depressed me and made me feel really bad. In fact, I still feel terrible right now. He was having a bad day and wanted to vent. I called him and told him to talk about it because he'd feel a lot better if he did. We ended up getting into an argument because I was having a bad day and I wanted to vent too. However, he didn't want to hear about my day, he only wanted to talk about his. The last thing he said before he hung up the phone was that he was going to kill himself. I cried.
I ended up calling Crystal after he and I got off the phone and said, "Please call me back, I've got some shit that I can't handle." I was crying into the phone. She never did call me back but he did about 10 minutes later. Then, he got angry because I didn't call him back. I told him that I was afraid too because I didn't want it to be true that he was dead. I think he realized how much he hurt me until we got into another argument. The second time, he hung up on me and I cried until around 1 in the morning then I called him back.
The third time that night we talked on the phone, he finally broke down and told me more about his life. That was when I found out about his possibly having schizophrenia. It depresses me because I want him to be so happy and yet, I can't make anything right. When he picked up the phone for the third time, I told him I was sorry that I was such a failure. I was completely broken that night. I was probably more broken than I've ever been.
He told me about not being able to speak because he can't form coherent thoughts. His mind is constantly racing and the words get jumbled in his mind. I told him I experience the same thing but for an entirely different reason. I'm socially inept so it's really difficult for me to put into words certain thoughts that I have. I can write them down just fine, but speaking is next to impossible for me sometimes. I think he finally understands now what I mean when I say that sometimes, my words get lost in translation.
I finally broke down and told just what I think of myself. I was so pissed that night that I finally came out and said it. I told him that I can't stand to look into a mirror because I'm ashamed of what I see. I scar myself because I don't feel beautiful. I make myself ugly on the outside because that's how I feel. Others view me that way anyway so I bring all my internal ugliness to the surface for the entire world to see. I mentioned something about my not eating because food sickens me. It's just empty calories that will make me fat.
Currently, I'm proud of my one accomplishment, I'm 100.5 lbs. At least, I was the last time I weighed myself. Of course, I could be smaller now. But, I feel a lot better now because I'm not as fat. I still feel like there is more weight to be lost. Thankfully, my parents don't pay enough attention to my eating habits so they really haven't noticed anything. They just think I've lost weight because I changed my eating habits thanks to my stomach issues. But, that's not why. I've really cut back on how much I eat because I don't like myself. I want to be someone different.
I think I'm going to bed. I need to cut so badly right now and I'm also incredibly tired.