Why do you pester me with updates from my relatives every nano second?!? Would it kill you for once to not have a live RSS feed about what my grandparents are doing in their kitchen? I don't care! Not only that, I no likey your Tweet-ictionary. I have to learn a new internet language just to type updates to friends and family. NO! Just fucking no. I want to delete you yet I'm also fascinated at what Megan Fox has been doing for the past 3 hours. Does that make it wrong to follow her and her toe thumb? Damn YOU! Now I can't delete my account due to the high activity of followers she generates everytime I refresh the page!

My iPHONE hates you. The app to download you just so I can connect and text at work is annoying. I'd rather have real time updates on what's going on in the real world. The television? Remember that old device? Why must you keep me from checking back to you when I don't really type much other than an occasional banter or a diversely good stripper pun? My girlfriend loves you more than she loves her shoes. I'm shocked because that woman can probably wear a good pair of stilettos and still Tweet about it. Grrr.

Republicans think you're the greatest thing ever. During recess, they update their Twitter pages thinking they're sooooo cool and hip. They're not. They should be focusing on how to get us out of this debacle of a mess. Not telling their secretaries to fetch them coffee from 2 feet away and LOL about it. I still type words into you to make it seem like I pay attention. But I don't. My grandpa doesn't care that I'm watching shark week on the Discovery Channel and eating cheetos. He has arthritis for fuck's sake! Yet when it comes to RE: Tweeting about how much a haircut and shave cost back in the '40's was, my family thinks it's the most intriguing thing in the world.

Twitter, you have ruined my vocabulary. I can no longer form constructive sentences due to the 140 word limit. Facebook lets you go wild with their updates and I can post pictures of Megan Fox's toe thumbs as a link! I realize that you are what kids and politicians are into and that's fine. Now I'm subjected to using acronyms from NBA players such as "w/e" and "laihyiehshagh".  Had I known this back in highschool, I would've majored in abbreviations and smiley faces 101 instead of English. Me? I rather not try to understand what the big deal is when I'm posting everything I did in my day and have random followers, follow me on the web. Seriously. Most of those accounts are bogus to begin with and I hardly believe MzAznLdy23 really looks like a credible contributer to the Twitter community. She wants me to click her link and follow her on web cam. That costs me money! To see her naked! I don't want that in my life, do you hear me???

Alas, you still win in the end. I must follow my relatives as if I am concerned with what my cousin did with a pencil the whole day. Must she Tweet about it every second though? Can you at least make it so that she can't RE:Tweet the same idea more than 3x in the same day?! I might actually like you then. We got off on the wrong foot Twitter. Maybe next year, when the internet releases something much better, I might write an entry about you again. Otherwise, we're not on typing terms until you make my grandparents stop sending me Twitter videos about dancing cats! It makes me HULK SMASH  my Spongebob pillows everytime I log in. I love Spongebob, fyi. Not that you'd care ...

*sighs*

- VLD -