Day 2 of my recommitment and I’m already struggling against failure. For whatever reason, my brain has fixated on a cheeseburger and will accept nothing else for lunch today. I’m trying to think of ways to make it work: Veggie burger instead, no fries, diet drink or water. No matter the configuration I end up with about 400 calories for dinner on a day when Zac and I usually go out to eat.

 It makes me feel like a failure. I know it’s a big thing but it’s not really, you know? Eat this healthy thing that still tastes pretty good instead of this unhealthy thing that does taste better but that takes up residence in your ass….it’s not that difficult yet it’s completely impossible.

I’m looking into a new therapist already. Wow, that was fast, right? I recognize that the girl I saw only plans to treat me with drugs and while the drugs do work I need more than that. It’s hard though. I have two requirements for a therapist: Not LDS and Female. Do you know how many therapists I’ve found in the entire Utah county area that fit description? ONE. Uno. And she’s not taking patients till the end of July. How do I know everyone’s religious affiliations? Almost all of the therapists in this county attended BYU.

 Do I wait for her? Do I pick someone else? There’s another one that kind of fits but she’s not a PhD which is what I’d prefer. The problem is the cultural barrier. It might not matter with the right doctor and then it could be serious complication with the wrong one. How do you know that? One doc’s website that I went to reeked of Jesus so I knew he was out off the bat.

 I just don’t want to be judged. I know that I will be regardless but I really don’t want it to be based on this one aspect of my life that to me is inconsequential but to ¾ of this population is life altering. I would walk in already feeling like there was this unbreachable divide between us.

 Capiche?

I can’t figure out how to get out of myself. I do these things that I recognize are crappy, you know? Not like major social infractions but that I know offend or push away but I just can’t walk around the wall. All the death lately has me thinking how I’d like to be remembered. It boiled down to: not like this. At least not what my own perception of me is at the moment. Life could be better. It’s just me who can do anything about that. Money, Fatness, Emotional Ineptitude….these are the things I want to change. I keep failing at budgeting, dieting and getting out of the eggshell. How do you fix that on your own? There’s a song lyric that applies here.

“Every man’s conscience is vile and depraved. You cannot depend on it to be your guide when it’s you who must keep it satisfied.”

 I can justify anything in the moment. There needs to be some kind of check in place that keeps me from lying to myself.