Some things are harder to explain then others. They seam simple enouph at first, but then you start trying to explain them and it all comes out wrong and doesn't seam a good enouph explanation. In cases like this, the problem isn't the explanation, but the fact that the thing you're atempting to explain is many layered, and difficult to view from just one angle. If this first entry leaves you somewhat dazzed and unsure of what I'm atempting, then check back later and maybe another piece of the puzzle will fall in place for you. Or you could just forget you read this one, either way doesn't really effect me much.
I'm going to begin with the yearning. It's something thats been with me since, well ever since I can remember actually. It's an ach, a need deep down for something I can't explain. Sometimes it comes over me when I look up at the stars or the moon, or I glance out the car window at the trees moving by. You might think at first that I'm depressed, and what I'm discribing is nothing more then depression, and maybe you're right, but the sadness that comes over me isn't much for me. I'm not sad becouse I can't have something, or I can't do something. I'm not sad becouse I don't think I'm the person I should be, or the person others want me to be. The sadness is for everyone, and everything in existance. Something isn't right about the way things are. Something very important is missing from our world, hidden in the shadows of our minds, dancing at the corners of our eyes. Things we almost see, things we should see, things we've forgotten we can see. In my heart I know there's something more, and at times I feal soooooo close to finding it, but it is an elusive thing and I can never quite put my finger on exactly what it is I seek. I thought once that maybe it was religion, and I've tried a few, none felt right to me, and so I wander still through a world thats not quite right, a world that almost makes since but doesn't, knowing I'm missing something important, something fantastic and necesary, and never knowing what it is.
Maybe you've felt it to, maybe not. Maybe it's in all of us, maybe not. Maybe I'm alone..... Some that doesn't feal right either though. The remainder of this diary will be an analization of the things I've found or think that I've found and an atempt to learn to see that thing that so eludes me, that my heart tells me is there, and yes, maybe even an attempt to help you learn to see it to.