I am just reading bible verse " if a man remain in me and I in him he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing" This strike me for a couple mintues, I do nothing apart from someone, talking to my mother today kinda helped me consider as myself today. No one can blame on me , why? it like it strike me to think I can't let my heart be troubled. but it seeems to me, I almost doubted him for a second, but now I thought what kind of a man that remain so mystery in my heart. Jesus lives in me all long. I really thought hearing alot of lecture from my mom, today. kinda strike me that woman those days goes on living , divorce , re mairred etc as life goes on. people do changes , As for myself I got to rid of my own slander and not allow this happen ever again . but sharing helps me get off my chest. I kinda show who I am today. feeling good about myself lately. Now I had nothing to do with this person , or nor others. but deep in my heart , I already forgiven , I had made good descision in my life to focus on who I do and care for who I love. " I have told you this so that my j-o-y- may be in you and your j-o-Y- may be complete. " It will . soon. Sometimes in past someone wanted to set the record straight. and sudden she just didn't think that had nothing to do. I find why would he be .. that kind of fruit in his life. and yet I never want be around him. ever .. or others. I happen to start new chapter in my life, wanted to learn to understand more about personal relationship with God . I had thought how hard it could be that kind of friendship I lost year ago, mutal friendship is basically a promise. and a good realtionship, i can't blame them for what they did to me at my home that night, that I can't image why they blamed me for what I did nothing wrong, they had belived me at first then they moved on with their life, they did not understand that they know all my life mostly of what I done was not my fault, I seek for new friend , and mess up many times , I did not want to call police, think he made attempt on me , it hurted him and others , that kind of friends I associated with. it bit diffuclt to understand a little, meeting through interent kind of scary .. and meeting in person way worst dangeous. I had met twice in real life, one here , in clinton, and one in north liberty a year ago. hiding from my mother isn't a good example at all, when I did allow my mother look at matt giese , my fear was overcome, It made me feel better, She says careful.. I will I have relized later , Im growing up and being an adult now .. diffuclt to face someone , kinda looked like she was mad at me . and if i see her again, will she ever forgive me . I doubt again for a second , I never know but God knows in his own times. I know Jesus will lay his life on my friends five of them someday , to make them relize what they had done was very wrong . hurting me more than I ever think of them. I rather show them who I am personally and no one can change me. I pray that they have to accept me , I might able learn be careful not allow pass arund and not cause any more trouble in my life. I thought i can't hide this anymore, to share wouldn't hurt anybody. it was hard to belive, for myself that I shouldnt had allowed two of men I had sex with. was bad choices and it was horrible experince That kinda held me back, but Matt is trying make me let it go .. the haunting and the tramua I suffered was in my mind .. I really shouldn't think how horrible they had done to me. I allowed them make them feel better about themselves really and It makes me feel good anymore, I can't continue do things , I want have one man to spend my life with forever .. that my dream and goals someday. I am exciting to go see my sis baby shower soon , and spend time thanks giving with family and talk about what we doing lately. My mother pretty much good mood. I begin to feel she had forgiven me toward to me. I kinda let her down alot times. and I know she cares about me really in her heart. She gave me alot of lecture I think listen good enough to learn, Bible says bear ye a good fruit I shall know , if I look at peopl's lives so it really amazing that I try to remember it more later