So last night I made the ever-fatal mistake of being bored and reading old letters.
I keep all my letters... from Jay, from Jim when he was still in Rockview, from Juan, from John (a friend of mine in Louisiana, not my ex), from Cliff... all my letter-writing boys. There are more from Jay and John than anyone else...
So I have them separated into stacks and I decide to pick one at random. I pull out a letter from John and it's one of the last ones I got from him before he got out of jail... *sigh* He got out in February and I haven't heard a word from him since. I'm really not sure why... I want to write to him, but I don't even know if the old address I had is right anymore 'cause it was his mom's anyway and I don't know if he was going back there or not. And even if I do write, I could possibly stir up some drama with his fiance (she uhm... hates me) and I don't want to do that either. I hope to God that he is happy and doing well... but I absolutely hate that I have no way of knowing.
This year was apparently a year for me to lose people. I'm not really all about that.
Anyway, that totally bummed me out and I decided to switch to the Jay pile.
Boy, can I pick 'em... let me tell you what...
First letter I picked was the very first one he sent me from Scranton after he got moved and there was this awful 4 a.m. phone call and he scared me half to death... every letter from Scranton the entire time he was stuck there was depressing, but that first was 8 pages of depressing and I read them all last night. It made me so sad, but happy to remember that he isn't there anymore and he never has to be there again.
Second letter I picked? The one he sent me after John and I first got together and I didn't know how to tell him. I was trying to be able to go see him to tell him what was going on because I didn't want to write it in a letter so I avoided paper and pen altogether, but then things kept happening to keep me from visiting and it turned into, for him, a ten page (I am not exaggerating... TEN pages) jumble of confusion and "I don't want to beg" and begging anyway. It was awful the first time and it was pretty awful last night. I did NOT handle that situation well at all... but I didn't want to hurt him... and then I hurt him anyway. Not because of John though. That he didn't care about... just that I couldn't find the right way to tell him and I left him hanging for two whole weeks not knowing what was really going on with me. I felt horrible all over again more than a year later last night.
And even through how upset he was while he wrote that letter, he ended it, "For now. For ever. For always. All My Love, Jay" and I bawled my face off last night. He signs his letters in different ways all the time... but they usually end in something sweet like that. I'm totally used to it. It was just... that letter... the way I miss him right now... that ending... *sigh*
I read a couple more... mostly short ones... happy ones... The last one I read was the first he wrote after I told him how I really felt about him. I said it first... he wouldn't because he didn't want to put me in that position... but that first letter he signed "Love, Jay" was one of the greatest letters he's ever written me and we're coming up fast on three years of writing... I read that one last night and then I proceeded to cry myself to sleep.
Somehow... I woke up in a good mood. I started thinking about the letters and thought I would get upset again... and I knew I needed to write it out and I was afraid I would cry again... but I got an OD note about Toby Keith that made me smile and I'm talking to Eric and he makes me smile... so even though the end of yesterday was pretty depressing, today has started out pretty good. And I hope it stays this way.
Before the letter fiasco last night, I went shopping with Kaitlin and Renee... I bought clothes (do I really need clothes? No, but that doesn't usually stop me. lol) because I wanted a new outfit for Saturday and I found... omg... the most perfect jeans I have EVER owned and a perfect top to go with them. And then Renee found this other shirt... it's pink, it has butterflies AND music notes on it (my two favorite things, what?) and it's ADORABLE and I cannot wait to wear it. lol Ohohoh!! AND!!! I found THE most adorable shoes... they are so cute and they were the right size and they were ON SALE for SIXTEEN DOLLARS! Do you believe that?! How lucky could I get in one night?!
Anyway... yeah, I'm that girly... Shush.
So I already picked out which jeans I'm gonna wear with the shirt Renee picked to go out with her and Matty to the bar tomorrow night.
I figured out that I can wear my new shoes to go out with Eric on Saturday... he'll still be taller than me... Being tall is not always the greatest thing ever... Like I could never wear these shoes to go see Jay... he's already a half inch shorter than me... Though he will tell you that we are exactly the same height, he lies... it's a male ego thing.
With the shoes on, I'm lke 5' 11"... Bleh... It's a curse... I love heels... but boys around here are short.
Except Jeff. And Eric. lol
Am I still talking about the shoes? Damn. Moving on!
Anyway... I'm getting my hair cut tonight after work... There will be pictures.
There will be pictures from the bar tomorrow night and possibly pictures from my date with Eric on Saturday.
I may go visit Jay on Sunday... depends how late I'm out on Saturday.
Going to see Jay entails getting up at 5:30, showering, dressing, fixing my hair, putting on makeup and being ready to roll out of town by 7. Because it takes two hours to get there and the earlier you get there, the less time you spend standing in the line outside. If you get there after 10, you may as well forget seeing whoever you're there to see before 11:30 and if you come any later than that, you have to wait 'til lunchtime count clears and then you only get like an hour long visit. I much prefer my four-five hours, tyvm.
I'm really talkative this morning. I was gonna post lyrics... but I don't remember what they were.
I'll save them for later. I will probably return with pictures at some point this evening.
For now, I'm gonna shut up and go talk to Eric.
Later all! <3