|My life, my love, my misery|
I'm really worried about my friend Ryan. I talked to him the other day, and he was not good at all. He AIM'd me asking how I was, and I just said a quick hi and that I was good. Then he literally had a panic attack. He has been severly depressed lately, and it seems theres nothing anyone can say or do to make things better. He always turns to his music when he is stressed, but hew told me he has his guitars up on ebay, and hates the fake people at the bars he plays in. He said that the last two shows he was suppost to play, he went there, took one look around, and left. Ive never seen him as bad as he was last night. I'm really worried. I bid on his guitars on ebay, and made my maximum bid a million dollars so no one will out bid me, and he'll keep his guitars.
I feel really awful for him. He is my best friend back home. We worked together, dated for a month or so, split, and remained the best of friends for a couple years. Our personalities just feed off one another. I hate to see him how he was the other night. He has lived a really hard life. His parents split when he was young, he had a hard poor childhood, was homeless ( bumming friend's couches) for a year in Lansing, and his mom got him back on his feet with a job at a nursing home. I was working there as an aide, and thats how we met. He's a great guy. He's cute, funny, and wonderful. He started going to school too. Things were looking good for him. Then he split up with his girlfriend. They dated 8 years. 8 years! Their realtionsip started to crumble, they were wild youngins, cheated on eachother a couple times when he was a young guy playing shows on weekends. But he loved her. She loved him. They just decided it was best to split. She was at the point where she wanted to get married (understandable) but Ryan said he couldn't. There was too much damage done in their realtionship long ago that he couldn't let go of. I dont know details, but it's not like Ryan to hold onto grudges. Leah ended up meeting a guy right away, and moved out of state to be with him.
He told me last night that he seriously can't go on. That he thought he would be happy without Leah, starting over. But he's not. I tried to tell him that he is in his 20's, the hardest years of his life. That things will change, it's not going to be that way forever. I love Ryan, it was so upsetting listening to the things he said. But I let him vent. I let him. Even though it was breaking me. He told me he didn't care, that he was at a wits end. The he asked me if I had good memories with him. I said yes, many. Then he said to remember them, and hold on to them, cause i'm not getting anymore. "Rope, Noose, Jump". Thats what he said. I know Ryan can be a spaz, i always laughed at him when he was being a cock about life and told him to snap out of it and shut up. I made him smile. He came to see me the night before I moved up here. He was crying. For hours. We hugged, talked, laughed. Then I moved. He told me he had a glympse of hope in his life about a year ago that things would be okay after he broke up with Leah (when we dated), but it's gone. Then he told me that he always imagined himself dying at 27. He turns 27 on Christmas eve. I always have a snappy quick comeback for all the shit he talks, but i didn't know what to say. He was being so difficult near the end of our conversation that I told him that he was being so awful it was almost making me laugh. Then he started coming back down to "himself". Less irrational.
I broke up with him when we dated. He just got of a 8 year relationship when we dated. I knew it wasn't right. Plus he was newly single, after 8 years! I knew jumping into another realtionship right away would not be good for him. He would want to date around, enjoy being single. He even said so. Our break up was mutual. But it started wearing on him. He dated a few girls that treated him like crap. We hung out alot, but not in the dating sense because i woldnt let it get that way, I was moving. But still, he was there when I needed a friend, and I was always there for him.
I'm just very worried about him. I wish there was something I could do. I'm so happy right now in my life, I want the same for him. I told him to pray. He said he doesnt pray. I told him I knew that, but if he asked God to be in his life, God wouldn't let him down. He needs devine intervention. I can pray like crazy for him (I do!) but unless he opens his heart to God, my prayers are at a stand still. I hope he prayed. He said that God isn't real (he was being very irrational, he's not normally like that), and that praying wouldnt do a thing. I told him that if he was truly at rock bottom like he said, praying couldn't hurt. I said that what he's doing now in his life obviously isn't working, so he needs to try something else. I told him to let God in. I don't care if I sounded like a religious freak, thats what he needs. So I'm not afraid to tell him straight up. God I miss him, I hope things will be okay. He asked when I was coming home for Thanksgiving and said that maybe we could get a cup of coffee and catch up. I would like that. And I was happy to hear him say that. Atleast I knew he wasn't going to take his life that night. I was seriously fearing that. He has an unpredictible personality. My only worry is that he might get hope I want to be with him. He asked if I planned on getting married any time soon, I said no. And his reply was "good". Ug, not good for me. I dont want to hang out, have him miss out old times, and get depressed when I leave. He's like my brother, I care about him so much. He told me he loved me and missed me, and I said it back. I do love him, and I will continue to keep him in my prayers. If something happened to him, i just don't know what I would do.