Don't know where to start with this one. Just got back from the dentist (guess we're starting with the boring stuff). Have two cavities, and they want to remove my wisdom teeth. I say, leave them alone :P They told me with my insurance and everything the fillings will cost me $68. That is so much money to me right now...argh. But, made an appointment anyway. So money money money always running through my head. Went to the landlords office today, asked her what it would cost for me to get out of my lease. She said one month's rent, which is $355. If I move out at the end of a month, I could probably handle that, but, when am I leaving my job? When will the money stop coming in? And when will it run out?

I want to move to Canada to be with Cody so badly. It is just so hard...more than I ever thought. I have to somehow get rid of everything I own except a suitcase full of clothes. I know I shouldn't worry now. I have to wait until June when my family meets him, when we tell them our plans, to see if they will help me. But what if they don't want to help me? Shouldn't I plan for the worse? The worse would be...They won't help me. So I have to somehow sell/move out all this furniture, donate practically everything I own probably, sell my car...yet somehow be able to get around...when? how? And live where in the last week(s) before I leave? I have friends who might take me in, help me out, but I absolutely hate to put anyone out. This is my life and I don't want to be a burden to anyone in trying to live it. I hate to even ask my family for help. They have helped me so much in getting settled in this apartment...and just to throw away everything they gave to me, to say oh thanks for the help but I'm leaving now...to throw it all out the window...how would you feel? I don't want them to have to drive the 30 mins here to haul furniture around....I don't want them to feel like I don't appreciate everything they have done for me by just up and going...I wish I knew, right now, how they are going to react, because it is tearing me up inside.

Oh I know the easy solution. Cody moves here...he doesn't have as much as a "material" tie to his home as I do...America has the fiance visa we could apply for...but that isn't what I want is it? Honestly, I'm right smack dab in the middle. I can see the positives and negatives of both. If I go to Canada, it would definitely be very difficult and extremely stressful for me, and in turn Cody because he has to deal with my complaining, my general unhappiness. But ultimately, it would be better. I have no emotional ties here. My family is here, but I don't rely on them for emotional support or friendship, I could do with seeing them once a year. Cody's family is much more close, as far as I understand. I don't want to rip any families apart. Canada is safer and cleaner, like what I said in the last blog, life in the long run, I think, would be better there. But him coming to America would be easier on me...in other ways. I could keep my apartment, my stuff, my job, continue school, money would still be an issue definitely, but not as immediate and scary.

Oh another option? Waiting. Actually complying with the "out" part of the outland application. Getting married...and being apart? Waiting until January...when my lease runs out, time to save more money, more time to sell things, move out....for me that seems to be the worst option. I hate to wait.

My mind is completely chaotic right now, and I can't get it to shut the hell up.