Its been 2 days since the incident, Stewart got released but he has been told to stay away from me, the flat and not to talk to me unless I speak to him first. (Which I wont...promise)

Thing is, police told me he went back to the flat with them and got some clothes...how did he get in - he didnt have a key. My guess is he got one cut the last time I kicked him out....now my spare key has gone aswell. Im living in a secure unit just now provided by the council, he doesnt know where I am and i've changed my number. Ive managed to pack his clothes and all the neighbours have been up and told me they are looking out for me, so sweet - its strange to have people talk to me without feeling guilty....

My dad is changing the locks today, I'll stay in the secure unit until monday or Tuesday, but i've put the dog in to a doggy spa for a few days. Just so I can get a break and sort my head out...he seems to like it, my mum went up this morning and said he was just going to the farm for a run about, he seen her and turned and walked away lol so he doesnt miss me and wont be psychologically damaged right? Its probably better for himto be there just now anyway beause he was getting timid and scared of loud noises, bangs and men - because of the aggression and violence he had been surrounded with. Hopefully this relaxes him enough so when I move back in to the flat and a calm ready environment he will grow and be less scared.

Living in this secure unit feels like a holiday...what is strange is how im acting, ive started being what I thought was OCD. My clothes in a certain order, toothbrush and toothpaste in a certain order, doing things in a certain way....but when I spoke to the domestic abuse woman she said it was all about me getting my control back because he controlled every aspect of my life. Its natural and she sees it a lot with abusive partners and how im acting now is normal.....ok thats good to know but quite strange.

I feel like a man....I need a conquest. A no strings attatched absolutely primitive...shag....someone that means NOTHING to me....and forget about it all the next day lol....The thought of kissing a guy...of all the firsts...of the meeting the parents etc - it TERRIFIES me....I need something to fuck so I can get it over with....is that sooo bad? I bet it is but i bet thats normal too....lol