Its coming up on 2 years since Ive even spoke to you. And I let this happen all over again, didnt I? Those feelings I get when I know that I could actually contact you if I had enough balls to. And its just too much for me. Especially what Im going through with other boys right now. Too fucking much. The sad thing is, I keep thinking, "maybe if I just message him, he'll message me back, and we could give it another try." Am I fucking stupid? You fucking took my heart and turned it into a completely hard rock. I feel like I cant love anymore because of you. Since you, Ive been so unstable. Ive been so emotional. And Ive been so cold and mean. I cant feel anything anymore, because of you Stephen. I want to hate you so bad. I want to hate you more than anything in this world. I want you to be erased from my memory. And I cant do it.
No matter what, Ive still thought about you everyday since you left me. Every fucking day. I still cry when I read my old diary entries about the things that you used to say to me. Youre nothing, but God youre something. I cant deal with this. I cant deal with the thoughts running through my mind about you.
It hurts so much. It hurts more than anything Ive ever experienced in my life. And I cant deal with it. I cant deal with thinking that its all gonna be okay when its clearly not. I cant think straight. All I can think about is what I want to say to you. And you know whats sad? I want to message you. Id rather go back to the way things were with you then to not have you in my life at all.
I just read all of my old entries about you. And about all the things you used to say to me. And about all the times youd make me laugh. And about all the times youd make my jaw drop by the things youd say. I wrote an entry about you ordering your food at Wendys and how cute it was. Damnit. You had me. And maybe you still do. Maybe I'll never let go of you. Maybe you shouldnt have taken my virginity. Maybe I shouldnt have lied to you about it. And maybe this shouldnt even be running through my head. But I cant think straight with you back in a part of my life. And youre really not even in it. I found you on myspace. How lame is that? I was bored enough to look YOU up. Yea, Ive looked you up before, and nothing. And I was okay with that. And last night I get bored and decide to do it again, and there you are.
I keep trying to be optimistic about this and say "some things are meant to be, and maybe theres a reason I found this." And its so not true. I just got finished reading how you said "when we're 80 and married sitting in our rocking chairs you'll look at me and say how awesome I am" Who the fuck do you think you are? Who the fuck am I to think that you are some God when you are clearly nothing at all. Nothing worth wasting my time on. Damnit.
You are the only person that makes me feel this way. James has nothing on you Stephen, nothing. And that makes me want to scream. I have never experienced someone like you in my life. And no one knows how deeply you truly fucked me up. No one. And no one ever will. Ive screwed up everything in my life since you. Everything. Relationships, family, goals, life in general. Fuck you. FUCK YOU. I fucking hate this. I fucking hate that Im spending my time thinking about you. I was so sure that I was over you. So fucking sure. And now Im so fucking sure that I was completely fucking wrong. i fucking hate this.
this is the letter i wrote and never sent on july 2 2005.
Fortunately no one really knows how much I miss you because I wont let anyone see it. I was fine, really, I was honestly on my way to completely okay without you. When you didnt call, I cared, but it wasnt a hurt, it was a "oh duh I knew this". I could finally sleep at night without hearing you say "sweet dreams, i love you." I could finally sleep at night without "fatback gut.." I could finally sleep without you making me laugh, without you telling me goodnight, without you calling me 2 minutes after we'd been off the phone to say you had to hear my voice again because you missed me so much. I was finally okay without you calling me before school started to wish me a good day. If only you knew what you did. You say that everythings fine and I shouldnt miss you because youre thinking about me. What you do, is just think about the good times we've had and youre set. Well, thats not me. Youre the first guy that has made me shake and feel so completely whole when you call me. The first guy that has made me feel like I was completely gonna throw up all over myself while you were talking because you make me so nervous. Sometimes I dont know what to say to you. I swear I was over you. Why did you have to call? I wonder why God puts me in such...difficult positions. I get just enough everytime and then everythings taken away from me. It happens like that with everything..you think I'd be used to it. Am I really not worth a phone call? I lay in my bed and realize what a stupid girl I am. Did I honestly save the voice mail you left me? Can I honestly recite to you exactly what it says without listening to it? Ofcourse I can. "Casey, its Stephen, I was just calling to see how you were doing, Its uh, Sunday at about 8:30, you can give me a call back..alright, bye". Im so..stupid. I layed in my bed and listened to that til the point that tears were tumbling so fast down my face they filled my pillow before I even realized I had been crying. I got up. I sat there. And now, Im here, crying more..missing you more. I hate how so many of my friends think Im stupid. How they swear I dont love you. But if I dont love you..what the hell is this? But this time, they're not saying it. They're saying "do what makes you happy, but I'd be confused". It hurts, its like they've given up on supporting me. I know they dont trust you. Most of the time, I even find myself questioning your motives. I know whats best for me though. Whats best for me is to be with you. Although, you, you dont feel that way right now, so I would never let you know thats what Im thinking...But why are you holding on. All or nothing? That'd be great. Just to know why you're really doing this. You make me smile, you make me cry. You promised me you'd never be the one to make me cry unless it was tears of joy. You lied, and you dont care. You'd think I would learn to not trust anyone...but I do it everytime. I fall harder and faster for stupid lines, for stupid actions, for stupid moves, for stupid everything that you could possibly do. You got me, isnt that what you wanted? I gave up and I gave in. Now Im here. Crying. I promised myself if you ever called me back and wanted things to be good again..that, that I'd tell you no...and not to call me anymore. But as soon as I hear your voice. That one you make when you say "I miss you." That annoying *you sound like youre talking to a puppy or baby voice* that I wanna hate so much...I melt. The cute little country voice you say "just a little bit" in. The voice you sing Tim McGraw in. I wanna hate them all. I wanna hate you. I dont even know why Im upset with you right now. You want things to be good. Youre the one putting in effort this time. I waited so long, and then gave up. Now, you dont want me to give up..but what am I supposed to do. You told me to trust you. How can I trust something that was never really there. That you made up to make me happy. I wish I could just see into the future and see if this is even all worth it. I try so hard. I wish that you knew what I felt. Sometimes I swear you do, but really who am I fooling other than myself. I miss you. Yes you. I wish you would just call. I wish you would just show up. At my window. In the rain. Knock. Just to see me. Just to see you. God, Id do anything. I miss you so much Stephen Lee, if you only knew....