Every once in a while I feel the need to pop my head in here and see what’s going on.  I went and checked my ex’s page today and I see that she is no longer on OD – not actually too surprised about that.  One of her last posts (that she has now deleted or made private) said some pretty nasty things about me that were not completely true and I made it clear to her that she had ruined our future friendship.  Looking back on it – I didn’t really mean it.  But we don’t talk anymore.  For some reason – we just can’t.  I guess the hardest thing is that I miss her as a person.  I don’t miss our relationship, but I just miss her as a whole.  We had our ups and our downs as far as relationships go… shit, let me be honest… when we were up we were amazing but when we were down, and that happened all too often, we were WAAAAYYY down.  Towards the end of the relationship, I thought we were way up when we were actually way down…. I was fooling myself. I think that everyone who may read this can relate to relationships that are just black and white with no grey areas.  To be completely honest with myself, I still have some healing to do over the whole thing… and I am working on it.  I have severe trust issues that are causing some minor issues in my new relationship – I have a difficult time with Marcy being on the internet, dancing with other women, and talking to and about her ex’s.  It’s so strange because THAT IS NOT ME.  It never has been.  I’m the world’s biggest flirt!  I am not a jealous person, I truly am not and I absolutely hate feeling this way. 

When I love someone, I love them with everything that I have and unconditionally.  That is the way that I was raised and the way that my parents loved me so it just comes naturally.  I trusted her with all of my heart – even when I knew that things were going wrong.  In fact, in an effort to save the relationship, I made myself throw 110% of myself into the relationship for the last 3 months and I thought I had fixed everything…  It hurt so bad it was like a death.  I was so blindsided, so betrayed…  but I didn’t do anything.  I tried to help her because I wanted her to be happy.  I tried to not be hurt by it because you should never stand in the way of someone’s happiness.  After she left for Texas, I thought I was ok… I truly did.  But some of the damage from all of it is starting to creep back up on me – and it’s having an effect on the most wonderful woman in the world—Marcy.

I have always believed in soul mates – always. In fact, there was a time in my life that I thought I had found mine – but I was mistaken.  When Marcy came into my life, I was completely a mess.  I was drinking every day, smoking (you know what) all the time, going home after work and just sitting in my apartment in darkness and silence.  Not because I didn’t have a TV or a computer – but just because I was so depressed.  All day when I was around people I had to put a smile on my face and pretend that everything was fine – by the time that I got home I was done with the act.  So I would just sit there in the deafening silence and stare at the walls.  Even if I turned on the TV, it didn’t matter because I couldn’t focus on anything.  There were 4 friends of mine that helped me through this time and were my only outlet.  All 4 of you will be able to read this and know exactly who you are.  Not only do I thank you from the bottom of my heart, but I miss and love you all so very much.  Please know that.

When Marcy and I met on the internet, I was so excited to have something different that I immediately wanted to meet her – and in all honesty, it had been a minute since I had felt a woman… been held, felt that someone wanted me, not felt so completely alone.  But I had no idea who I was about to meet or what I was about to get myself into…

Now I know that there are a lot of skeptics out there and a lot of people that will roll their eyes at this – but I loved Marcy from the moment that I saw her… truly love at first sight.  From the moment that her foot stepped in my front door I was at peace.  Her smile warmed my heart and her gentle nature set my soul at ease.  How clique right?  I have never met anyone that has such a genuine heart and true love for all people.  She is an amazing mother, loving daughter and sister, excellent partner, and just all around a good person.  Marcy understood the pain that I had been experiencing all too well and we started growing apart from that pain together from the very beginning.  I remember the second night we were together – after we had shared our life stories and told all our secrets – she played “Power of Two” by the Indigo Girls.  Believe it or not, I had never really listened to the words but it set our destiny that night… every time that I hear that song I think of how truly lucky I am to have her.  “So we’re ok, we’re fine… baby I’m here to stop your crying.  Chase all the ghost from your head.  I’m stronger than the monster beneath your bed.  Smarter than the tricks played on your heart.  We’ll look at them together then we’ll take them apart.  Adding up the total of a love that true.  Multiply life by the power of two.”  Wow.  Then several days later when I was in Forrest City for the first weekend she played “Want To” by Sugarland and that is our song.  Ok, so I have to post the lyrics (by memory, so forgive me if they are wrong):

I packed a cooler and a change of clothes

Let’s jump and see how far this goes

You’ve got my heart and daddy’s boat

We got on that to make it float.

We could sit on the shore, We could just be friends

Or we could jump in….

The whole world could change in a minute

Just one kiss could stop it spinning

We could think it through

But I don’t want to, if you don’t want to.

We could keep things just the same.

Leave here the way we came

With nothing to loose.

But I don’t want to if you don’t want to.

I’ve got your ring around my neck

And a couple of nights I don’t regret.

You’ve got a dream of a degree

And a shirt (or a pillow in our case, lol) that smells like me.

Yeah we both got dreams we could chase alone

Or we could make our own.

The whole world could change in a minute

Just one kiss could stop it spinning

We could think this through.

But I don’t want to if you don’t want to.

We could keep things just the same.

Leave here the way we came

With nothing to loose.

But I don’t want to if you don’t want to…

Never waste another day

Wondering what you threw away

Holding me, holding you

I don’t want to if you don’t want to.

Ok, enough of that.  So what are things currently like?  I live in Forrest City now with Marcy and my life is completely amazing.  I have never felt so completely loved in all of my life and I never knew that happiness like this existed.  Our relationship is mature and loving and beautiful.  When we get upset, we talk it out, and if we argue, it’s only momentarily.  And our disagreements are so mature – we are not condescending to each other and we don’t say things that we regret later.  I never knew that love could be this simple or that I could find a relationship that didn’t take constant work to just be normal.  Marcy and I put work in our relationship – sure, everyone does – but it’s just to keep things vibrant and new, not to fix issues.  Every day I can’t wait to get home to her and I just long for those moments at night when we’re snuggled up under the covers and her body is next to mine.  As I mentioned before, I’ve got some issues that I still need to work on, but I think that it’s just all a healing process.  Marcy is my therapy in a lot of ways.  If there is one person on this earth that I can trust completely with my heart it’s her.  I’ve really got to look deep inside myself a find a way to get rid of this jealousy… it’s driving me crazy.  You would think it would be easy since I have found the woman I call my soul mate – but it really just makes it even scarier for me.  If she hurt me… if I had to go through what I recently experienced…  if Marcy did that to me…  although I know that she won’t and I completely trust that… that would be it – honestly, I don’t think I could ever allow myself to truly love and trust anyone again.  God, that’s kind of a downer isn’t it.

Ok, well, I’ve got to get my ass to work and act like they pay me for something around here.  I’ll try to get back on here and write more soon – but I’m not making any promises cause I seem to break them when it comes to logging into OD.  I hope that all of you are well.

Joni