Hello, hello, hello.  I guess I'll start with a short introductory entry.  I'm currently 22 years old.  I go to school, I work, and I have a thing for indulging.  For example, drugs (not the VERY bad ones), alcohol, sex, food, art, music, travel.  I love anything that pulls on my heart strings and I become infatuated by it.  Love is important to me and gets me in and out of any predicament. 

So you wanna hear the latest gossip?  I'm in love with two boys at one time!  Ridiculous I know.  Boy 1 would be my ex boyfriend.  He's the love of my life but the worst person for me to be with.  He has no life ambition and has treated me beyond horrible.  Of course, that means nothing to me and I always go back for more.  He's the only person in my entire life that has ever made me feel normal and despite my better judgment, I refuse to let that feeling go.  I want him forever if only he would change and become a better man.  I'm not stupid enough to think that I can change someone but I'm stupid enough to believe him when he says he wants to change. 

Boy 2 started out and is perhaps still the rebound boy.  Every time Boy 1 and I split up, Boy 2 is right there to pick up my pieces.  Although he's constantly in second place, I believe that I have come to truly love him.  He's the one that makes me feel safe.  He's the one that shows me what a healthy relationship looks like.  One where I'm not constantly giving and receiving nothing in return.  There's two problems here though, because of Boy 2's job he's never at home.  Never.  He's constantly away and as much as I've tried the long distant relationship, I just can't do it.  It doesn't make me happy.  The second problem is that the love with Boy 2 is different than what I had with Boy 1 and I'm not sure if I like that.  It seems the tables have turned and Boy 2 is trying to change me.  I'm not used to that and I can't do it.  I just don't know how to let him go.  He makes me happy.  Just not in the forever kind of way. 

I know that I'm so selfish for being in this situation.  I know that and I don't need anyone to remind me.  The bottom line is that I am in this situation and that's my decision.  I just hope I figure it out before something really bad happens. 

More tomorrow?  Hopefully.  Good bye.
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