11:24 PM Wednesday, August 22, 2007

My internet is not working. Stolen internet is not reliable, go figure.  I was going to write in a paper journal but I decided that if I did that my thoughts would probably never make it onto my online diary, and then my thoughts would be incomplete.  We don’t need any holes in my entries, I mean I sound crazy enough without leaving things out. 

Anyways, yesterday was a lot of fun.  I don’t remember what I was doing before I went to the city. Oh, wait.  I had a job interview.  Haha. To work in the concession stand at Football games, concerts and stuff.  It’s not the most exciting job, but it will help pay my bills and hopefully I will meet some fun people.  The interview was a joke. I got all dressed up and everything and basically the lady just explained the job, and then said do you want it? I said I did.  I might have been lying. But, so then I filled out an hour worth of paper work. Eww… but it was an okay time.  Ya know, this is not the first job I’ve applied for and been hired for that I did not want.  There was Noodles, and for the most part that turned out okay.  Except for the part where I complained about my job ALL the time.  It was stressful, and sometimes the customers and staff don’t help you out much.  But anyways, I have job. I start in September.  I don’t know what my hours will be like, or if I will even have many hours, but I have a job. Great! One thing I can half cross off the list of things to do.

Well, after the interview, I drove home.  Then I got on a train to Des Plains.  I met up with Capri and Mayday. Met Capri’s parents. They seem fun.  I can’t wait to spend 2011 with them.  They seem excited to see me in 2011.  I said good bye to Capri.  It was a little hard, but I just ran away with the excuse that I had to get on a train.  Which I did, but not for like 10 minutes.  So I ran away from another good bye, and cried on the drive back to Dekalb.  I love that girl, in a friend sort of way.  I think she might be the one person in my life who gets me. Who, understands the pull Blake has on my heart. She understands that well, just everything.  I can and do tell her anything and everything.  I have no secrets from her.  It’s amazing to be able to have no secrets from people.  How many people can you honestly say you have no secrets from?  I’ve always been a fairly secretive person, not in a creepy way, just in a… I want to keep my distance way I guess.  But not from her. But now, she is on her way to see the world or at least parts of it, and won’t be back in Aus until December.  That’s a long time.  But I plan on e-mailing her a lot. Or maybe I’ll just have to give her the link to my diary so she can read everything if she so desires…. Mmm, or maybe not. A few secrets never hurt anyone. Right?

I was crying a lot on the drive back to Dekalb today.  I cried about Blake a fair bit.  I realized that we are done.  I mean, I don’t mean anything to him. I’m not important to him.  He could almost careless if I was around or if he talked to me at all.  So, that’s not good, but it is good that I have come to that realization.  But at the same time I know that if he called me and wanted to spend time with me I would say yes. Not only say yes, but be super excited about it and probably have sex with him.  Okay, so my first plan of action is to find me some friends in Dekalb.  My second plan of action is to find me a boy. A smart boy, a good boy, but a FUN boy, a boy whose attention I don’t have to fight for.

Yep.  My emotional stability has been interesting today.  Lots of crying, lots of good byes.  Good byes. You know both Blake and Capri have touched my heart in ways that they will never leave me.  Not even if she is in Australia, and he is only an hour away that he will probably never travel to see me since he probably won’t even call me. Ha.  Well, its better that I am away. Atleast he is not sitting in the same room with me ignoring me.  That’s a start. Ughh… Ya know.  I seem to always want the things I can’t have.  But that is the nature of wanting…. I don’t need to want the things I have for they are already mine for the taking.  He used to be mine for the taking, but not really…. I was sharing him.  I just didn’t know it.  Well, I haven’t thought about that for a long time.  It still hurts.  Should it? Mmm, it’s a different hurt.   More like, a, I’ve been beaten hurt.  Not physically, but here I am still wanting this boy who broke my heart, and I offered it to him again, and he turned it down.  But maybe that’s for the best. He was honest with me, ya know.  I don’t know I just want to know what he feels. If he even feels about this. But he is a boy.  He doesn’t talk about the way he feels unless he is angry and then he throws stuff and swears. Hmm.  I’m done. I’m making myself cry, again, some more.  Great.  Good night.