How to start without a set theme? With this diary being all about me I suppose that is my theme when it comes down to it, so I'll go with what's currently going on.
For the past three years I've been working for an organisation I personally hate, finally I've had enough and this month or the next I will be leaving and moving onto pastures new. I don't feel the sense of relief I thought I'd feel yet, mostly because I will still be there for a few weeks and the thought of dealing with the bureaucracy and pettiness that is management there drains me.
I've been off work for the last six weeks with stress leave, this in some senses was true but not for the most common reason. I could have carried on but I honestly felt if I did without having a break and going back without something else to fall back on, there was a strong possibility I'd have gone postal.
There are way too many occasions I feel I must remain silent and fight down the urges to release what is a very primal and natural reaction to people who constantly wrong you in that place. I was getting to the stage where I could physically feel my hands around their necks in my thoughts, so I needed a break and tomorrow I return to that hell hole but I know in the back of my mind that in a few weeks I will be free, that will be good.
I believe though that this is the first step I need to take in remaking myself, for a long time I've held a very negative outlook on life, I'm trying to get away from that negative disposition, sometimes though that is difficult when you're a pessimist at heart through life experience but as I've read and been told on many occasions, only yourself can make the change and if you want it, then it will happen.
I'm not saying I'm going to become all cuddles and hugs but I'd rather not default to being "a complete dick" to other people simply because I'm in a negative mind set. This will take work and probably some new surroundings, next year I may be moving out of my home town to the city, if this is the case, new faces will help me to become better without any prejudgements on my past behaviour.
A long way to go indeed, but it's not the first long road I've had to travel.