I saw Claudia on Tuesday (21st). It was quite a pleasant visit and she never mentioned anything about my medical issue so I never said anything. I had planned on saying I no longer wished to discuss the subject with her should she bring it up. It seems daft for me to bring it up only to tell her I don’t wish to discuss it anymore so I’m going to wait for her to say something about it before I do.
Yes, I think Claudia’s bravado is to scare people off. I’m glad I’m realising this so when I do tell her I no longer to discuss my medical issue with her along with my explanation, should she ask why, I won’t feel so fearful she’s going to give me verbal hell.
She told me of a recent situation which, again, sounds like bravado to me: Zoe came in crying because one of the kids she was playing with kicked her there was a massive bruise on her leg. Claudia’s always brought Zoe up to hit back if someone hits you first. We have done the same with Mark just so he doesn’t become a victim to bullying. We’re always telling him to stick up for himself. However, Zoe (like Mark) won’t stand up for herself as she’s very timid and will just come in for a cry and a cuddle from her parents. When Claudia told Zoe to go back outside and kick the boy back. She refused so Claudia talked of wanting to drag Zoe outside and make her kick the boy back while she watched but Zoe started to get upset. Claudia then talked of going to see the boy’s parents to give them grief but I realised she never said anything about their response so I asked if she did actually speak to them. She said she didn’t as Phil wouldn’t let her go as she was all fired up. Quite frankly, I don’t believe it. Yes, I believe she did have a desire to go and give the boy’s parents hell but I don’t believe Phil was the person who stopped her! I think she stopped herself because challenging/confronting someone is not something she would really do no matter how much she desires it so I believe she used the excuse of Phil stopping her. It’s all bravado! Just like the situation when Phil allegedly stopped Claudia going into the school to sort out the issue with Zoe. I think she’s stopping herself (if she ever went in the first place) and is using Phil as the excuse. I’ll use the analogy of driving a car: She makes it sound like she used to be in the co-driving seat with Phil on this issue and, due to her verbal aggression Phil booted her out into the back seat where she’s now doing back-seat driving. I believe she’s always been in the back-seat (after putting herself there) and telling Phil what do/say/ask but because thing’s aren’t progressing in the way she wants, she’s made the excuse that he’s put her in the back-seat because of her verbal aggression toward the school staff. Also, I believe the verbal aggression is only what she vents to him, me and anyone else who’ll listen!
Still on the subject of Claudia, do you remember about 16 months ago in an email, I told you of Claudia’s belief about love not existing between a man and a woman? She says there’s parent-child love and a special sibling love but not between man and a woman because that’s just sex. Well, during her visit on Tuesday, she brought up this non-existent love between a man and a woman because of a conversation with one of her co-workers. Anyway, she went onto say that she’s never told Phil that she loves him. I thought, ‘You liar!’ I know for a fact that’s not true because I’ve heard her! Do you also remember last year that I stayed over at Claudia’s because Phil went to a Cure concert in London and Zoe stayed at her grandparents? I remember waking on the Sunday morning, used the toilet then back to bed. I wasn’t fully asleep and I heard Claudia get up, talk to her cats then I heard her mobile ring. It was Phil. Although I couldn’t hear the full conversation, I definitely heard her end it with the words, “I love you, bye…” I debated about whether or not to tell her I’ve actually heard her say that to Phil but chose silence because it was a private phone conversation although she never lowered her voice while talking to Phil. I wonder why she felt it necessary to tell me that lie. Again, I wonder if it’s part of the bravado she likes to display.
I’ve read all this Claudia stuff back to myself a few and I’m surprised at how much it bothers me. Gosh, does it really sound like I don’t like her? Do I sound evil? Much of it, I already knew about her: her arrogance when speaking of her opinions, her dominance in the friendship, the way she monopolises conversations, they way she embellishes stories (which are entertaining to listen to most of the time). Knowing all this about her, after 20 years we’re still friends so I’m asking myself what’s bothering me so much now.
1) It’s the feeling of not being listened to and understood by her.
2) It’s the feeling that she’s not interested in my thoughts on a subject; she’s always right anyway so what’s the point in me speaking at all?
3) It’s the feeling that she doesn’t see me as her intellectual equal.
4) It’s the feeling that she’s not really interested in me but is interested in sending veiled messages to me via her disapproving attitude on certain subjects, i.e. ‘fat’ people, Teaching Assistants.
5) Finally, it’s the fact that I’ve finally realised I need to assert myself during our conversations; not to fight/argue but to let her know when I’m offended by something she says or if I happen to disagree with her on a subject.