I seriously don't know what to do anymore. I have people blaming me that I owe $8000 dollars for a loan. They never even told me they signed a loan out for me. So how the fuck was I was supposed to know? No one tells me a fucking thing anymore. Christmas is coming up and this season known as winter, i always hate. There's christmas and I always get the worse stuff. Not that it matters anymore. Then there's my birthday in January. Last year it absolutely sucked. My ex gf didn't even come to see my on my birthday. She came down a few days later. And then there's Valentine's Day. I've always been alone on Valentine's day except twice. Last year I had a gf, but she didn't even come down or even leave me a message or anything. The one before that I got bitched at by my cousin because I skipped class to go see her because she got out early and I wouldn't have had anyway to go see her afterwards.

I'm not expecting Christmas, my birthday, or Valentines day this year. For christmas I'm getting a set of pots and pans from my roommate because I always complain about how shitty her pans are. Personally I'd rather have bike tires because I'm still jobless and I've gone to every place in walking distance. And there's a shit load of places. My roommate knows of my birthday only because it's a month after hers exactly. Her's is tomorrow and mine is four weeks later. I don't have a gf either so it looks like this Valentine's day I'm going to be alone yet again. The girl that I did like, didn't like me that way. She's always saying how she wants a nice guy that'll listen to her and be there for her. Whenever she needed someone to talk to, I was there for her. When she was drunk and basically through herself at me, multiple times, I chose not to. I knew that she was drunk and that she really didn't want me. She always said I was a good friend. I've liked her since before I moved down here. I gave up on her. No use in chasing after something that you'll never have, you know.

It seems though that I only have one friend down here. And that is my roommate. My friend that I used to drink with, has thrown multiple parties and each time I wasn't invited. She said she's invited all of her friends because her parents weren't home. It's hard to meet people when you aren't even invited anywhere, when you don't have many friends.  When she came over last time, she came to hang out with my roommate. She said on the phone with another friend that she was visiting one of her friends Amber. She stays for a little bit after Amber goes to bed, but I just think she does that to be nice. I was supposed to go with my roommate to a christmas party this friday, but she told me today that she wants to go alone this time. She said next time she'll take me. She most likely won't even be here next christmas. Her fiance and her are planning to move to the UK next year.

When they do move, I'll have to find someplace else to go. If I don't get a job, I won't have any money to go anywhere next year. I'll be homeless and moneyless. It looks like certain members of my family was right. I'm worthless. I can't do anything and I can't do no good. People are saying that I'm nothing. And you know what, I'm starting to think that they are sometimes right. I mean, I can't get a girlfriend, I can't trust anyone. I can't even get a fucking job because people are fucking stupid. I just don't know what to do anymore. I really don't. I admit that I don't try as hard as I can. But I do try hard. I really do. But all I ever am is a fucking loser and a good friend and that's all I'll ever be.

I don't think there is a God. In the Bible and in churches it says that God loves everyone. If that is true, then why is my life like this? Why are there homeless people? Why the fuck are there wars? Why are loved ones taken away from their families so all they can do is die and not even be remembered? Why must people be so fucking incredibly stupid? All we're going to end up doing is killing everyone, destroying our planet. People say I am strong for not being able to do drugs. The only reason why I fucking don't do them, is because I've seen what they did to my mother. She met a guy because of them and that guy ended up bashing her head in giving her aneurisms. Some of them are still even active. She even has short term memory loss.